Stressed

Since Sheldons death a week ago, I have been very stressed and overwhelmed... I have cried myself to sleep, I have crided in the car, luckily I am always a passenger and not the driver, I have cried at home and in the shower... I cried so much in the shower that first and second day that I do not know if I was washing in clean water or in salty tears.

My heart has been broken by his loss and I will always blame myself for it, thinking there could have been something I did differently to stop this from happening... Maybe if I had of kept him seperated from the other 3 .. I knew they were bigger and rougher ... one of them may have banged his soft spot, danaging his brain and causing the seizures...

I am not as sad anymore, now I only cry every once in a while, not every hour... I've been trying to keep my brain busy, by plaing on Waja's, Chicken Smoothie and Facebook games... all of which have helped over the 3 days...

Because of the major stress I have felt I have become sick and have a chest infection. I normally get sick if I am over stressed.

David got me some cough medicine, but I hate it.. I do not like chemicals in my body and I hate anything that tastes of chemicals... This medication is horrible and I do not want to take it, David knows how much I do not want to take it but he makes me take it anyway because he wants me to get better.

I do not think it is helping... My inner child sits in my head covering her eyes and sealing her mouth shut any time the medicine comes near me, and when that chemical taste hits the back of my throat she screams and cries and  has a temper tantrum... I would do that to but I know its better if I dont.

I have recently started to think of my brain as a house with different parts of me in different rooms, such as my inner child, my inner geek/genius, my inner goth/emo and so on... They are in no way different personalities, they are all me, just different emotions, thoughts and feelings that I am currently trying to compartmentalise so I can see if it helps me to work out things better... I dont think it will help but it is something new for me to try.
Why do medications have to taste so yucky ? Surely there is a way to make them taste nice.

We are having Sheldon cremated, which is what have done with all our dogs over the years. Some of his ashes will be going into a sealed silver locket so I can have him close to me, and the rest of his ashes are going into a small silver heart. It willl take a week maybe 2 before I will get his ashes back.

He was only around 300 grams so I had to find the smallest things for his ashes, and I wanted the locket because Sheldon was so special to me, I know that some people may not understand my need to have some of his ashes in a locket, which I will wear, but he really was like my child, and I will remember him for ever and his death will always be a sad memory that will never go away until I myself die one day.

It has been hard dealing with his brother and sisters and with seeing photos of him, and if anyone mentions him its hard also... I hope that soon I will get to a point where I wont be sad as much... I know that Sheldon wouldnt want me to be this sad, as most animals try to comfort people in their own ways, so I know that Sheldon would be happier if I could be happier.... but it is s hard.


This quote is from William Wordsworth

There is comfort in the strength of love;
'twill make a thing endurable,
which else would overset the brain,
or break the heart.