Fur Kids

People who have children and those who dont like animals always say animals are not the same as human children, but I would like to disagree with this.

On June 2nd 2012 my chihuahua gave birth to a pup and the next day on June 3rd 2012 she had the other 3 pups delivered by C-Section because one pup was way too big for her to deliver naturally and it was stopping the other 2 from being born.

The first chihuahua pup was the smallest, I guess many people would call it the runt, but to me its just a chihuahua that has more small genes than big genes.... hmm let me explain that ...

Each chihuahua has 6 size genes, 3 from their mother and 3 from their father, a standard size chihuahua will have S gene, S gene, S gene, L gene, L gene, L gene ....

A larger chihuahua may have S gene, S gene, L gene, L gene, L gene, L gene

A smaller chihuahua may have S gene, S gene, S gene, S gene, L gene, L gene

So this pup obviously have more of the S gene.

Anyway from about day 2 I noticed that he wasnt putting on weight and was in fact losing weight, so I decided that he needed bottle feeding as he may have been finding it hard to suck or maybe he could get a nipple with the bigger pups being more forceful.

I had Devetalac milk powder ready just in case and so I started to bottle feed him... he started to increase in weight.

Now I had to get up every 3 to 4 hours to make him a bottle, and I have done that for nearly 6 weeks, as he just turned 6 weeks old Saturday 14th of July 2012 and on the 12th or 13th I finally stopped bottle feeding him.

Now like any new mother of a human baby, I have had sleepless nights having to get up to feed my fur baby, I've been pooped, peed and even had formula thrown up on me, and I had to deal with colic and constipation in my fur baby.

So how anyone can say that my fur baby is not the same as a human baby is beyond me. Especially as Chihuahua's can live to be 20 years old.

Sure fur children are different to human children in many ways, but they both have good and bad points... sure I will never hear my fur children call me mummy but I can leave my children home alone when they are 6 months old and not get in trouble. Sure I cant take my fur children every where with me as so many places wont allow animals, but my fur children love me unconditionally and will never tell me that they hate me or that I am mean for grounding them...

So yes fur children are not like human children in many ways but human children ae not like fur children either.

I cant have human children and I have tried everything to become a mother to a human child, but its obviously not meant to be and for me thats something that I am not able to get over, but I'm not as obsessed with having a human child now as I was,but even if I was able to become a mother to a human child I dont think that I would change the way I see my fur children.

:)

Most people with Aspergers autism find it much easier to connect to animals than to people, I believe thats due to the fact that animals dont judge and they love unconditionally, so when we have a meltdown and scream and carry on, they still love us and dont judge us for it. We dont need to try and interperate the meaning behind what they say, we dont ever feel uncomfortable or anxious around animals .... Except those that we may have actual phobias of; such as spiders for example.

:)

This is a photo of my baby Sheldon ... The smallest one there with the white spot on the back of his neck... He is having some dinner with his 2 sisters and 1 brother.

This photo was taken the same day as this post was made.




Sheldon is the light of my life.

Patterns

I see patterns in everything ... Plants, concrete, walls. cars, material, skin, fur, clouds, water... everything.

Sometimes I can star at things for hours just looking at patterns. Clouds are my favourite thing to watch, maybe because their patterns change so quickly.

I like to take photos of clouds because then I have those patterns to look at anytime I want because who knows if they will ever be repeated again. Although I probably wont actually look at the photos again after the first time, as there are so many other patterns in the world to look at.

One of our local petrol stations has a white edging to their roof with blue lines going around. Most people just see that, where as I see the pattern in it as well as all the patterns that come from the light dirt and water stains on it as well. Of course other people may also notice these things but for me I don't just notice them, I am fascinated with them. I can stare at them for ages just seeing all the patterns in them.

I used to think that everyone did this, but then I came to realise that no, not everyone does.

In a way I guess its like the optical illusion of the old woman / young woman ... where most people can see only one... either the old or the young but they can not see both... I do see both, at the same time, and I did from the first time I saw the picture I could see both an old lady and a young lady.

But even just looking at this I see more than just a young lady and an old lady, I see other things in the lines.. I see a bunny or maybe its a Hare.. but I also see just random patterns in how the lines react to each other... I see this in everything...

Sometime that makes it hard for me to focus on other things, like people talking. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to live life not seeing patterns everywhere, to be able to just live life everyday not having to always try to come across as "normal" when I'm around other people. To not be upset by so many things.

..............

Please feel free to post comments as to if you see the old lady or the young lady first, if you can only see one or if you can see both ... do you see them at the same time.

This time of the year is Hard for me Emotionally

In 1992, I was pregnant but lost my baby due to my pregnancy being ectopic, my pregnancy was fairly long for an ectopic, I was between 3 and 4 months pregnant when I lost my baby who I named Sarah Ashley.

This happened June 4th 1992 and 11 months later on May 21st 1993 my mother passed away.

My mother was only 46 years old when she died and she got sick with the flu and a week later she was gone.

So now on May 21st I have the anniversary of my mothers loss and 2 weeks later on June 4th its my babies loss that I remember.

Then on July 21st its my birthday.

I think the loss of my baby is made harder by the fact that I am not able to get pregnant after losing her, as one fallopian tube burst because of the pregnancy and the other became completely blocked due to surgery, plus I have PCOS ( Poly-Cystic Ovaries ) and I have a severe form of it.

Being a parent is the only thing I have ever wanted since I was 13 years old.

But I have no parents and no children.... of course really I should say I have no living children as I have a child in heaven, so I really I am a mother but to many people they dont see it that way.

So yeah, this time of the year is hard for me to deal with.. some years are easier than others.. this year (2012) seems to be a hard one.  I wish that I could go back in time just to hold my mum again for a minute and tell her that I love her with all my heart.

I know that she would have known that, but I want to do it, not because I dont think she knew, but because I think she deserved to hear it more.

Chihuahua Puppies

My Chihuahua Sara is going to have pups in 3 weeks time. This will be her second litter. The father is again my boy Hannibal.

Sara is 2kg and Hannibal is 1.8kg

Chihuahua's are hard when it comes to breeding as they have a tendency to need C-sections to give birth and the chance of losing pups is high.

With Sara's first litter she carried 3 pups but only the second born lived. The first born, a little white boy only lived a day... He was named Duke and there was some issues with his birth so the vet thinks that its possible he had some issues even before he was born. The second pup born was a girl and we named her Roni and she is a cheeky little thing... a long haired Black Tri. The third pup was a lovely marked Black and White girl who I named Sweetpea, she was still born, having died will being born. I tried to revive her including giving mouth to mouth but she did respond at all.

Losing pups is really hard, I hope that Sara has better luck this time.

Below is a photo of both Sara and Hannibal, followed by 3 photos of their pup Roni Girl, first at 2 days, then at 4 weeks and then at 6 months old.

This is Sara - Star Dancer

This is Hannibal - Sunchi Midnight Dreamer

This is Sara and Hannibal's pup ... Roni - Apachi Midnight Flower - at 2 days old



This is their pup Roni - Apachi Midnight Flower - at 4 weeks old



This is Roni - Apachi Midnight Flower - at 6 Months old

What's it like being Autistic ?

I was recently asked this questions. "Whats it like being Autistic?"

I am not sure of how you could answer it....

I am not sure of how to answer it because I've been the way I am all my life even if I didn't know it for most of it, but I don't know anything other than the way I am, so how can I possibly answer this question?

Of course I am taking this question literally and maybe it wasn't meant literally... but I think its a great question for my blog.

I don't know what life is like for someone who is neuro-typical, so how can I compare my myself to something I have no experience with.

Yet I think there are many people around who bridge the gap between neuro-typical and autistic people.

To me neuro-typical people seem like they have a great deal of confidence in regards to socializing, they can call a friend on the phone and talk for a few minutes or a few hours and then call them back to talk more the same day or the next day.

Yet I know of many people who are neuro-typical who have phone phobia and don't like to talk on the phone.

I only feel comfortable talking on the phone with people I really feel comfortable with, such as my husband and my niece... in fact they are really the only 2 people I do talk on the phone with.

I just don't feel comfortable talking on the phone because part of me isn't interested in talking about social things or just chit-chatting and part of me worries about taking things literally and there being misunderstandings.

One issue I have with conversations is that, normally there is no emotion involved in what I stay...

So if I say something like ... Why do you wait till the last minute to brake? .... ( as in stopping a car )

I am not criticizing or upset or angry I am just curious and wish to know .... but most people take it as me criticizing their driving or that I am upset at how they drive.

A lot of what I say seems to come across that way.... but I really am just trying to state facts or I am curious. .... I have no ulterior motive in what I do.

But that seems to be a strange concept to many neuro-typical people, as many (nt) people seem to think that other people have an ulterior motive for what they do or say.

Now as for social interaction, I do not feel the need to go shopping for clothes and shoes and I do not feel the need to go out for coffee... I am not saying I don't enjoy these things if I do do them ... ok well the shopping for clothes I really don't enjoy, but going for a coffee and spending time with people I feel comfortable and safe with is enjoyable... but I do not feel the need to do these things and unless someone actually comes to my place and says I'm taking you out for a coffee, then I don't do them very often.

The only person I do do these things with any way is my husband .... I have no girlfriends...

Maybe like dogs, people can sense a difference, and stay away.... I think I am probably hard to connect with and it seems that many (nt) people do not have the ability or the will to be the one who initiates and gives more in the social stakes of a possible friendship. Its obviously hard work keeping a friendship going when you are the one who seems to do all the work.

Its strange because I do know that some Autistic people seem to have a good friend base, of course I know of many who like me only have social interaction with a spouse or child or other family member.

So just on the above alone being Autistic seems very confusing and lonely ...

Confusing .... yes ... but only when I have to work out human interactions and be part of the (nt) world.

Lonely.... Yes it can be, as its not like I don't want friends, I do, but I am just not good at keeping them and when I do they all seem to end up like just an acquaintance rather than an actual friend.

What else can I say about what its like to be Autistic ?

Hmmmm ....

Its emotional .... I can be happy one minute and then suddenly I will have a meltdown ... which is a little embarrassing because I may blow up and yell and get angry and then burst into tears and cry... or I may just burst into tears... Normally a meltdown happens when I have been over stressed... a number of things have happened in my life and it just builds up, or I might be over stimulated by one situation, like when I go to the shops and there are so many people that they get too close to me and I get overwhelmed.

I try not to have meltdowns in public, but by controlling it enough to get to a safe or private place I am in fact adding to the overwhelming situation by holding the stress in.

Many times after a meltdown I will actually end up mute... this is a horrible feeling because I can not talk even if I want to... I can talk in my mind but words wont come out of my mouth... it can last anything from 10 minutes to a few hours ...


*** Will continue this later as I must head to bed right now ***

*** Edit... its been a few days now since this post .. I dont think I will finish it as I may move on to something else. ***

Poetry

Today I do not have much to say, so I will share a couple of poems that I wrote... I currently have them in a manuscript that I plan to get published at some point.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“ Rainy Day “


I look at the rain,
As it splatters the window pain.
The clouds are so big and grey,
On this cold and windy day.
My wind chime tinkles just outside,
From the wind, it cannot hide.
But the rain is good I think,
Because it gives the plants a drink.
I like the rain, it washes things clean,
Makes the world look fresh and green.
So I will sit here watching the rain,
As it spatters on the window pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



“ Fairies “


The fairy moves around the fairy ring,
While other fairies dance and sing.
The music has a beautiful tune,
And it reaches up to touch the moon.
One fairy stands all alone,
A prettier fairy no one has known.
There is gold upon this fairy's wing,
Oh what a magical thing.
Glistening so very bright,
As she dances under the moonlight.
With animals, she has a bond,
And of her, they are very fond.
She calls out and they come with glee,
Because near her they want to be.
She reaches out to touch the horn,
Of the magical white unicorn.
He came because he loves her so,
And where she is he will always go.
Myth and legend they both may be,
But it is still a beautiful sight to see.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



“ BBW “


I am a Big Beautiful girl,
But there are lots of us in the world.
What you think of me I don’t give a damn,
Because I am happy, the way I am.
I've tried diets, pills and exercise to,
Because people say that’s what I should do.
Society says being fat isn’t cool,
Well tell me who made up that stupid rule?
So a BBW that is what I will be,
Now take a look at what you see.
Is being big really that bad?
Do I look very unhappy and sad?
No, because I like me this way,
And being big is how I will stay.
But it doesn’t matter what size I choose to be,
Because no matter what I'll always be me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



“ The Snail “

I saw a little snail,
He looked a little down,
So I just had to ask him,
Why is it that you frown?
Well this is his reply....
Young lady, look at me,
Is a snail something,
That you would want to be?
I move so very slowly,
And I leave a slimy trail,
I carry my home around,
Because I am a snail.
There are other creatures,
Who would have me for a snack,
So I have to watch out,
In case, they try to attack.
People will try to kill me,
Because of what I eat,
But I can’t help it,
If I find their plants a treat.
So that is why I frown and so now you know.
Well it’s been nice talking to ya,
But now I really must go.
So I watched him move,
Leaving his silvery trail,
And I really must say,
I'm very glad that I am not a snail.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



“ Spider “

There once was a big hairy spider,
Who looked down and there he did spy her,
The girl of his dream,
The one who would scream,
If he jumped down and tried to ride her.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“ Longing “

I sit and listen quietly,
To talk about children and pregnancies,
All the while its hurting me,
Because I long for my own baby.
Some days it doesn’t hurt as much,
And it can be sweet,
When I make myself believe,
I don’t need to hear the patter of little feet.
I am coming to terms,
With my empty womb,
And with the fact,
That I may never use the baby’s room.
But there are still days that come,
When I keep longing for,
Someone to call me MUM.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



“ Friends “

I will be there for you,
So, take my hand,
If you fall or don’t know what to do,
I will hold you and help you stand.
I will listen to your wishes,
And if you fall into the dirt,
I'll be there with lots of kisses,
To pick you up and heal the hurt.
I'll be there when you are happy and glad,
I'll always be there for you,
Especially when you’re upset and sad,
Because that’s what friend's do.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A question of Prejudice

Are people with Aspergers / Autism incapable of prejudice?


People with Asperger Syndrome often tend to be naive, to assume their own ethical level in others, which makes them sitting ducks.

Ancient tribal instincts like prejudice and xenophobia toward those outside their own tribe are impaired in some people with Aspergers, possibly because they are located in the same regions of the brain where the also impaired aspects of nonverbal communication are housed.

Lacking the social heuristics of prejudice and xenophobia, they may not recognize "evildoers" in time and end up in wrong company and being taken advantage of.

I know that for me I see people as people and do not care about things like race, skin colour, age, sex or anything like that and because my nature is to believe that people are as honest as I am I have gotten into situations where I have ended up with bad people who have hurt me or taken advantage of me.

I tend to be too open and honest with people and I expect people to be open and honest with me in return and this can get me into trouble, especially when I do not realise where boundries are that should not be crossed because it too personal or something. I am learning how to not be so open with people, which is hard because I tend to be either too open or too secretive because I try not to share any information about myself.

Of course if someone tells me a secret I will keep that secret forever... the only exception would be if by keeping the secret I was putting someone in danger, but I've never come across that type of secret.

Having Aspergers as an adult, to me is similar to having a split personality and I do not mean to offend anyone who has multiple personalities, but it is similar in a few ways because you are an adult and you can understand many things but also not understand them either. You can be too trusting but also know that people are willing to take advantage of that.

A Giving and Receiving Question

Are people with Aspergers / Autism lacking in reciprocity?


Civilized societies are based on the principle of reciprocity; of returning favours, sometimes often mistaken for altruism. People normally give with the expectation to receive something in return, and when given something, they feel obliged to return the favour. One gives to oblige. Without this principle, societies beyond the size of a tribe could not exist.

In some people with Asperger Syndrome, this mechanism is clearly absent. When given something, they feel no obligation.

And when they give, they give freely, without expecting anything in return.

They do not give to oblige, but are truly altruistic.

This applies not only to material giving, but also to communication, and is related to the long intervals in contact with others, the discontinuity, the apparent silence or having forgotten about the other person.

I am exactly like this, I like to give things to people that I care about, even when I can not afford to. I dont expect anything in return...

I am learning though that sometimes people take that for granted and are willing to use you to get things with the knowledge that you will not expect anything in return and will keep on giving.

Getting gifts makes me nervous for this reason, as I do not know if I am expected to give them something in return.

And like I have mentioned before I do go for very long times without being in contact with people and yet I understand that most NT people like to have lots of contact and they can not understand that I still care and think about them even when I do not talk to them.

I think sometimes that is an issue with having a brain that is wired differently.. I can understand that people like to have regular contact, but even knowing that; I can not program my brain to do it. Its kind of like having a short circuit I guess.

It is said people with Asperger Syndrome can not lie. This is true for some of us but not all... we are all different, many of us do not lie, mostly because we are just not good at it and so there is no point, for others its because we do not see a need to lie as we find nothing wrong with being honest.

Those who can lie may only tell white lies, as they dont want to upset someone as we have learnt that little lies are expected to seem "normal" .. as in ... "That colour looks really good on you."

Some people with Aspergers do lie all the time. I do not know how many people with Aspergers are able to do this but as with all humans we do all fit the stereo type.

It is nowhere more clear than in the person with Asperger who can not lie, that ethical values come from within and are not learnt from educators or influenced by social environment.

I personally do not see the need to lie, I can tell white lies if I realise that its the best thing so as not to hurt or upset someone, but if you ask me something or I say something you can be sure that 99% of the time I am being completely honest with you.

I have had people tell me that I am too honest and open and I try not to be but its just an automatic thing for me to be honest.

I have found that people do not expect someone to be honest, so even when you tell the truth, people sometimes think you are lying. That I find frustrating. But I guess NT people are used to being lied to so they can not understand it when someone is completely honest with them.

I find that a very interesting phenomenon.

Overwhelmed

Today I saw a Model Train layout on youtube that is so amazing... its huge and has so many moving parts and looks so realistic... I got so excited that I burst into tears... I want my husbands model train layout to be that good and that real, but it cant be because to be that good I would need loads of space and millions of dollars...

Aqua

Wednesday - March 21st 2012 -

I went to see Aqua.

I am not to good around lots of people, especially people I do not know and a few times I did get dizzy, which tends to happen when I get too stressed. But I am so glad that I went.

It was amazing and I have loved Aqua ever since they first came to notice. I have even had a crush on each member in the band... First it was Rene, then Lene, then Rene again, then Claus, then Soren ... but I think I am over the crushes now and just enjoy their music.

Their last couple of CD's have had a much more Adult, mature feel, yet still have an Aqua quality, and while I really love much of the newer songs I still enjoy the younger style of Barbie Girl, Doctor Jones and so on.

My current fave song though is Playmate to Jesus, followed by My Mamma Said.

I wish that I had of been closer to the stage at the show but I dont know if I could have handled all the people.

I really hope that Aqua come back again as I would really love to see them again and hopefully get closer to them.

:)

I was up on the level just above the ground floor - this photo was actually taken at the concert I was at. It didnt seem this crouded from where I was... :) ... which is a good thing for me.

Helping Raise Money

There are so many times that I want to help causes by raising money, on occassion I have even tried to do just that, but it never works to well.

This is due to the fact I dont have a group of friends who will sponsor me or buy tickets, and its hard to raise money when you are in your house alone with no visitors.

I recently went in the Worlds Greatest Shave 2012 .. for anyone who doesnt know what that is ... between March 15 and 17 you either Shave your head or colour your hair and before you do you raise money by getting people to sponsor you. The money goes to help the Leukaemia Foundation so they can provide free practical and emotional support to people with blood cancer and their families, as well as investing millions in research to find cures for leukaemia, lymphoma, myeloma or other related blood disorders.

I planned to colour my hair Blue...

I had posted on my facebook the link in which people could click to sponsor me, my husband sponsored me $27- so that I would have at least one sponsor.

After nearly 2 weeks of no other sponsors I made a post kind of being funny ... this is what I said ....

"You know you have no real life friends when the only person who sponsors you for the 2012 World Greatest Shave is your husband ... :/ "

After that one person sponsored me $27 - So at least I got one sponsor who wasnt my husband. :)

But it makes it really hard to help out such causes like the Leukaemia Foundation when you have no really close friends to support you.

It makes me feel sad that I can not help like other people and I kind of feel like the people I do know, even if they are only online tend to overlook me... as if I am not worth anything.


I had a lot more to say on this subject, including about trying to sell raffle tickets for other good causes and not being able to sell even one.... but this subject has started to upset me so I am just going to leave it here and move on to a new subject in my next post... although I do not know when that might be...



 

Music

I really like Music.

But I have an eclectic taste when it comes to music; liking everything from Classical to Heavy Metal.

There are times when I can listen to a mix of music, but other times when I can only listen to one type, and sometimes my mood is what determines the type of music I listen to.

Then there are also times when I just dont want to listen to music at all because it bothers me.

I was a Radio DJ for a little while when I was 18, it was just at a community radio station but I really loved doing that because I didnt have to see the people when I was talking and I could choose music to listen to...

That is one job I would enjoy doing again, especially if it was late night radio and I could play all types of music.

:)


The Following are songs / music that I enjoy... I figured I would just share a whole bunch with you... There will probably be about 20 - 30 clips...




































































































:)

Empathy / Stress / Emotions

Empathy - n. The power of identifying oneself mentally with (and so fully comprehending) a person or object of contemplation.


Empathise - v. Excercise empathy (I can empathise with you)

Many people believe that people with Aspergers are not able to feel empathy, this isnt really true... there may of course be aspies out there who can not empathise at all, but it seems most of us can. We just do not empathise in the same way as NT people do so it seems to them that we have no empathy.

But it is now being found that Aspies in fact may have too much empathy which overloads us and makes us look like we do not empathise with anyone.

I know that when my mother died, it was 2 months exactly before my 21st birthday and just 11 months after I lost my unborn baby daughter.

My father and one of my sisters ended up making an appointment with a councellor for me as they had not seen me cry or show any emotion for the loss of my mother, so they felt that there was something wrong with me.

Yet I was grieving in my own way and talking about it with a complete stranger (who ended up telling me I was fine and that I was rather extrodinary in my thinking) was not going to change the fact that I had lost my mother, the only person who was not only my mother but my best friend, my comfort, my support... the only person who ever really showed me any love, trust, respect and accepted me for me no matter what I said or did or didnt do... even after 19 years of not having her in my life I still miss her and wish that she was here or that I could have one last day with her to tell her how much I love her and how special she is to me.

For the first 4 to 6 years that she was gone I brought her birthday cards and mothers day cards and filled them out with things I wanted to say to her, I stopped after a while as I realised I was going to get a very large collection of cards if I kept going.

So I may not have cried and screamed and carried on when everyone could see me but it doesnt mean I didnt cry in private at times when I missed her more than normal. It also doesnt mean that I didnt do other things to express my pain.

Recently my Mother-in-Law of nearly 17 years was diagnosed with a health issue that can be life threatening... I've known this lady for nearly as long as I knew my own mother and she is the closest thing to a mother I have had since I lost my mum as I met her only a year after I lost mum, and if you consider that for the first few years of my life I dont really remember my mum then really I probably have known my mother-in-law for as long as I knew my mum.
My Mother-in-laws diagnosis has really effected me, yet it may not seem that way because I dont express it the way NT people would... I have not started to support that cause more than I used to, I have not expressed in words or deeds how much this has effected me...

What I have done is rub and scratch a spot on my head close to my fringe so much that I have actually broken the hairs in that area and now have a patch of hair that is nearly as short as my scalp... it doesnt seem to be hugely noticeable and hopefully I can stop doing it now that I am completely aware that I have been doing it.

I've also gotten emotionally upset over other issues and the loss of pet rats more than I normally would and I will be fine one minute but the next I will be overwhelmed by emotions... so yes I may not show emotion / stress / empathy in the way you would expect a person to, but if you look really close and then look closer still you can see that I am upset and have been effected by this situation.

I would also like to add that while online I do ((hug)) a lot when I think it is needed, in person I am not a hugger, if you ask for a hug or just hug me and I feel comfortable with you then I will hug you but probably not for long... and this along with my dislike of handshaking can also make me see less emotional than I am.

But when it comes to people I am really close to, like my husband I enjoy hugs and often ask for a hug... except if I have had a mini meltdown, large meltdown or am just really emotional, then I dont like to be touched at all until I have calmed down a bit as being hugged when in that state is really uncomfortable for me.... so where NT people want to be hugged when they are emotional and upset, I am the opposite because of my Aspergers, and I think that is also what lead people to assume that Aspies had no emotion or empathy.

Friends

For me friendship is one of the hardest things ever.
 
If I consider you a friend then you will be my friend forever. But I dont do NT friend things, so I am not a typical friend I guess.
 
I dont keep in contact with people; basically because I dont really have much to say and I am not good at initiating conversations. I also dont like talking on phones so that makes it hard to keep a friendship going.
 
I'm not into shopping trips or having a coffee at a cafe...

I'd like to have friends that I could do those things with ...except the shopping bit ... but its hard to find friends who understand and it would be hard to organise ...
 
When I was younger I could only go to night clubs if I was already under the influence of alcohol because it was the only way I could deal with the stress of so many people.
 
The funny thing is that I dont really like to drink alcohol much.
 
When I was at school I never really had friends either. I liked a number of people at school, but I have no idea if any of them ever considered me a friend or just a class mate.
 
Most of my primary school days I spent alone up the back of the oval or somewhere away from the other kids where I could see them but was alone.
 
With high school I did one and a half years there and then left, so because I didnt finish all of the second year I can basically only say I have only gone as far as grade 8, and that I only have one year of high school learning. Which I sometimes find amusing because I know more about certain things than a lot of people who completed high school. ... I suck at Maths though...
 
I've never really had a best friend, until I met and married my husband and he is and always will be my best friend, even if we were to separate for any reason he would still be my best friend forever.
 
I've tried to have friends but it only seems to work for a little while. So obviously I am doing something wrong and that I feel is that I am not capable of being the type of friend that most people are used to.
 
I honestly dont know if any of the people I know in my life consider me a friend or just an aquaintence ? Are there different types of friendship that I dont know about, because I only know of Best Friends, Friends and Platonic Friends.. anything else is just an aquaintence right?
 
If people dont invite you to a party is that because they know you are not good around strangers and they dont want to put you on the spot of saying no or is it that they dont consider you a friend enough to invite you?
 
Growing up I only remember having 2 birthday parties, I think one was for my 10th and one for my 12th and both times the children who came were people from school, most of them had parents who knew my parents.
 
The only sleep over I ever had as a child was when my sister Cheryl was invited to a sleep over at her friends place and I was invited to go as well for some reason, I think there was only the 3 of us or maybe there was another girl as well, but it wasnt a problem for me as I can handle small groups better than I can handle large groups.
 
But here now at home, I have no one coming to visit me... I can not remember the last time I had anyone here for a visit, probably early 2011, so about 9 or 10 months ago.... and now I am at a stage where I dont really feel comfortable having anyone visit... probably because I've been alone so long.
 
I dont even get people texting me though... my mobile is rather quiet and is more used as a reminder for tv shows and thats about it.
 
I think most NT people dont realise just how lonely it can be for people with things like autism, especially when the autistic person is already a very quiet introverted type of person.
 
I add that about introverted because I have talked with some Autistic people who are extraverted and have no problem talking to anyone and no problem being part of things.
 
For me life is very lonely... I may not like to have very much contact with people but there are times when it would be nice to have people texting me and coming to visit (after giving me at least a few hours notice so I could prepare myself mentally for visitors)
 
:)
 
Just on a slightly different point ... I want to be a mother and I had someone ask me once how I would manage with a baby, because of having to go to doctors with the baby and so on... but for me a baby would in a way be helpful, because I would always be putting the baby ahead of myself and having the baby to think about rather than the people around me, would mean that I would be able to do so much more than I do now because my focus would be on the baby. I know because it was that way when I was 15 and would be out with my baby niece, I was always more fixated on her than on any issues I had.
 
Also when I was pregnant at 19, I was more fixated on the baby I was carrying than on anything else, but my pregnancy was ectopic and around 3 months into the pregnancy my fallopian tube burst and I lost my baby and have been infertile since then.
 
 
 

Can You Take A Joke ?

Last year someone in my family told me that I couldnt be Autistic / have Aspergers, because I could understand jokes.

Just because a characteristic is said to be something, it doesnt make it so, we are not lumps of steel that are rigid and unchangeable. We are flesh and bone, we have brain cells that can learn and remember.

My sense of humor may be different to yours, but I do have one, I can take a joke, I can even understand a number of jokes. Sure I may not get all the jokes or it may take me a few minutes to run through and analyse what was said before I get it.

Dont assume that because you know someone with autism/aspergers or you know about it from what you have read, that you know me.

Yes there may be a set of characteristics that describe us but it doesnt mean we are all the same.

Would you like me to say that because you are NT (neuro-typical) you must be loud and obnoxious... Those are traits of some NT people ... but you are not all the same, so I treat you as an individual and learn what characteristics you have instead of judging you on characteristics that others have. So please do the same for me.

On the same line of thought, Autistic / Asperger people are meant to also not understand sarcasm, again this is not completely true, as with jokes, I sometimes can tell when someone is being sarcastic... not very often but on the odd occassion it does happen.

I'm currently learning sarcasm and I practise, but it doesnt come easy, sometimes I have to say to David "I was being sarcastic, could you tell?" He normally says yes, so I must be getting the hang of it.

Of course we may have been together so long that we get each other when others wouldnt, in which case I may not be doing as well in sarcasm as I believe.

:)

The above is something I saw and found funny, maybe because I can actually trip over a level floor .....

As unique as a Snowflake ...

I find it amazing that people asume all people with autism or aspergers must be alike to be classed as autistic.

Yet  like snowflakes we look alike but are all unique.

Yes there are a set of symptoms / characteristics associated with autism/aspergers, but they doesnt mean we all need to have the same characteristics or have the same level of characteristic.

Some of us are completely unable to look people in the eye's while others can for short periods and some of us can look people in the eyes for so long that it it too long.

We may have autism but we are not stupid, we learn from those around us and from our own experiences, so if we are told that people prefer it when you give them eye contact then some of us adapt to be able to do it.

It of course does not mean that we are comfortable doing it but it means we want to fit in and be accepted as "normal" and not thought of as weird or eccentric.

So we are unique in so many ways, even while being similar.

I am still surprised when I read someone saying something that hits home with me, because for so long I thought I there was something wrong with me, that I was broken, crazy, eccentric, weird and just different, but now I see so many other people out there who think, feel and respond the same way as I do, and I no longer feel different, I feel part of something.... something that proves I am not crazy, broken or anything else... I finally fit in somewhere.

But while I see myself in so many others, I am still unique in so many ways, just like how a snowflake looks like all the other snowflakes yet is totally unique in its own right.

Family Support

I dont have much in personal support/understanding from my family, some of them try, but I think having gone nearly 40 years being considered just a little eccentric but "normal" and hiding my true self so that I would be accepted as "normal", then makes it hard for people to adjust to the fact that I do have issues.

I had a major meltdown before christmas and instead of getting understanding and help I was made to feel at fault and so lonely that death was somthing I thought about a great deal.

All because I tried to be funny and make a family member feel better... my fault was using a saying I had seen someone else mention in a post before and it was taken by my family member as funny, so I assumed that I could use the saying and it would be taken the same way... big mistake on my part obviously, as my family member took offence, at which point I got upset at that offence, but my family member went so far as to remove me from the friends list.

We were both in the wrong but this action hurt me so much as to me it was like saying I was no longer family and that is what caused my major meltdown, as I find it hard enough to connect to people as it is, so to have one of my family members who I was only just starting to feel a connection with drop me like that was so hurtful to me.

I take so much literally so when I see something is considered funny by others, I asume that it is always considered funny. When you unfriend me on Facebook I take that literally also as you no longer want me in your life becaue you no longer care about me or consider me a friend / family member.

I ran away from home and spent the night in the car, I just needed to be alone to think and to calm down as I didnt feel safe in my own home anymore, this of course then made other family members upset at me.
Of course I went into my "protect those I care about" mode and made them feel better about the situation, all the while being made to feel worse by them, like it was all my fault.

This was from family who had experience with autism, but it made me realise that yes they have experience but its with a different form of autism, so they really dont know anything about autism, like mine.
Its like when people come to me to vent their problems, but no one realises that all that venting affects me so much, because I absorb it and I worry about it, when it affects the people I care about... But I do not understand people's need to vent to me about people I do not know or do not have a connection to. If I was an NT I'm sure I would understand that and get it and even be interested in hearing about these strangers, but I am an aspie and I dont get it.

I think in my life I get denial of my autism because people have seen me as like them for so long... but denial is not helpful to me. I don't need anyone to "do" anything for me and I don't want to be treated as broken or retarded either. But to be understood is AMAZING and I do not think I am over stating that.

There isn't much I can do to change the aspie tendencies I have, but to find acceptance and understanding, to know that those I care about realise that I'm not broken, not crazy, just slightly different to what they beleived, makes me feel so much stronger in myself belief.

Of course some people simply don't accept it, maybe because I don't sit and rock in a corner or maybe because I can carry on an intelligent conversation, or I am not like the person with Autism/Aspergers that they know, so then I'm obviously "normal".

But maybe the acceptance that I am different, that I may be lonely, isolated and at times suffering, means that they would have to take some responsibility for turning a blind eye to the fact that they allowed me to be so alone all my life.

Not noticing and not doing anything to try and fix that, meant I spent my whole life alone, hiding in my room or playing alone my whole childhood and hiding the way I thought and felt my whole adult life and never once did anyone ever bothered to ask why or to try and help.

Would they have been able to have helped, probably not, but in trying at least I would have been noticed and could now be accepted as having autism.

Just like someone, with the type of autism that most people think of when they hear that word, is locked in their own world, I am also locked in my own world, but my world gives me the ability to interact with people in a way that can hide my autism.

Imagine being in a bubble made of cling wrap that cant be broken... you can see and hear everyone around you, you can be a part of the world, but not completely... no one else can see the bubble but you can see it and feel it and it stops you from completely being part of and understanding everything that others do.

Thats the best way for me to explain what having aspergers is like for me, maybe if you can put yourself in that bubble you will understand much better.

Now in the words of a Linkin Park song...

"Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none"

Those words hit home with me, as I feel like I have to apologize for things I say because they are taken wrong, and trying to be "normal" is harder than it seems when you dont fit the idea of "normal" so you sometimes get caught in between trying to be "normal" and being yourself... and I feel like I am alone that I dont even have a single friend in the world.

So yes I do come across as depressed at times, maybe even a lot, but unless you are me or can truely understand what its like, please dont judge me in a negative way.