Hello Again

Wow its been 2 months since I last posted.

I'm very sorry for my lack of posts, I tend to forget that people may be reading this, so I forget to post things.

To me my life is very boring most of the time.... I dont have friends who come to visit me, I dont go out unless its with my husband... so not much reallly does happen in my life ... my life tends to be very much the same day after day.

Of course that doesnt mean that I cant share my thoughts here on things even if my life stays the same all the time.

One change I have made is that on Sunday the 7th of April I had my hair cut very short.. what I consider boy hair cut short .. even though there are many girls who do have their hair this short also.

I have never had really short hair all over and I have to tell you I really dont like it for many reasons even though there are also some good points to such short hair...

Good Points = less shampoo and conditioner used ... no tangles at all when I have my head out the window of the car ...


Bad Points = constant feeling that I have my hair in a ponytail ( it feels like a ponytail is continually pulling on my head ) ... I personally think it makes my moon shape face look even rounder ... I miss being able to smell my hair after its been washed ...

For most of my life I have had long hair .. when I was around 23 years old, my hair was long enough that it nearly reached my bum ... but then I got it cut to shoulder length and its been various lengths since then, but normally around shoulder length.

I certainly dont think I will keep it this short at all.. I am going to let it grow so that it at least covers my neck a bit.

The reason I decided to try it very short was that for the last 17 plus years I have been dying my blonde hair either black or brown... part of the reason for doing that was because as a Child I had the palest blonde hair, it verged on white .. but as I grew and got into my teens it started to darken up and it became an ash blonde .. Its now a dark ash blonde .. to me that colour doesnt suit me and it looks grey or dirty to me when I look at it... So I decided to dye my hair brown and then I started dying it black and I felt those colours were more me... I really dont see myself as a blonde...

But as I get older I've decided that I really need to give my hair a break from the dye and let it be natural for a few years... so I figured the quickest way to get back to natural would be to cut it very short and start again...

I knew that even if I didnt like having very short hair, that at least it would grow back in time, so I wouldnt have to live with it short forever.. To be honest the last 2 weeks have shown me that my head doesnt like the feel of short hair at all as I really cant get rid of the feeling of preasure short hair puts on my head... which is funny considering that less hair is meant to make your head feel lighter...

Of course that is why my nickname is Enigma, because I am always the opposite of what should be...

Such as being fat, but eating so very healthy and eating small meals - oily food and take ways make me feel sick, even the thought of eating it makes me feel sick .. yet as I said ... I'm fat

There are a number of other things like that where I am the opposite of what should be.

Anyway I will get going for now and hopefully write again soon.

:)

A New Year and I find myself drawing.

Well its a new year again. As you get older the years seem to get shorter, I believe that is possibly because as an adult your life is busier mentaly than when you were a child.

I've currently been drawing, which is a hidden talentI have that seems to come and go, like a short circuit.

Here are some of the things I have done.

   

I hope you like these and that with some of the people you are able to tell who they are.

:)

Literal Thinking

Today I realised that I had an example of my literal thinking ....

With my form of Autism we tend to think literally, and this can be a problem for us at times... even though with age and experience you can learn that certain things shouldnt be taken literally and even if you do at first take it that way you can realise it wasnt meant that way.

Anyway to my example....

My maiden name was Moore ....

And until my mid 20's I always thought that when people said something was ( Mooreish ) ... Moreish ...

That they meant it was something made by a Moore ...

It took me until my mid 20's and having a husband before I found out that when people said something had a Mooreish taste or something was Mooreish ... they actually meant that they could have some more of it because it was so nice.

But because my last name was Moore I took it literally... and until my husband came along I never actually told anyone or bothered to ask about the meaning.

There are so many things that I take literally like that and it can at times cause problems, especially online, but its who and how I am and even though I can learn that not everything should be taken literally, sometimes it still hard to know when something should be and when something shouldnt be taken litterally.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone .....


I know I'm a few weeks early but I may not  post closer to Christmas, so I figured it would be better to wish you all Merry Christmas now.

My electric oven is broken and I can not afford to buy a new one, so will probably be without an oven for the next 6 to 8 months, maybe longer... who really knows. It shorts out any time its turned on, shorts out right away ... but then it is close to 14 years old.

Luckily my stove top is gas, so I can still cook meals, but it does mean a change to some of the stuff I normally do for Christmas meals.




* Maybe I will write more later *

Giving Presents .....

Giving presents for me can be very stressful .... I dont like choosing something for someone when I dont know what they want, whether thats a child or an adult....

If people would give me a list of possible gifts for themselves or their children then that would make things so much easier for me...

I love getting people what they want, I enjoy giving gifts to people... I just dont do it very often because I dont know what people want...

I love getting gifts and presents, although it does make me uncomfortable a bit if I dont have something in return for the person because I feel people expect a gift in return and I dont know if I need to do that or not ... For me if I dont get a gift in retirn it doesnt bother me much as I just like giving...

Of course there are times when people take advantage of that fact...

I do think like you !

This week I've talked with 2 people who have both said they read my blog (thank you for that) *smiles*

They also both meantioned that neither of them have aspergers autism as far as they know, but when reading my posts they see that my thoughts are just like theirs. :)

Well that is really great, as my blog is here to show the differences when there are some but to also show that while yes I am autistic it doesnt mean I cant think like you.

This is why it can be so hard to tell that someone has Aspergers Autism because it isnt always noticeable that there is a difference...

If I talked about nothing but Philosphical Anthropology, which is one of my passions or philosophy in general... then maybe yes you would notice a difference...

But I like to talk about other stuff to ... some of which may sound a little crazy and some may sound boring...

Sometimes it seems people hear the word Autism and think of Rainman or think of people who seem locked in their own world within their own minds.

Aspergers is a high functioning autisim, which means that if you met me for just a little while in person and when dealing with me on the computer I can come across as being NT.... and my blog helps people to see that I do think like them in so many way...

Yet spend a good amount of time with me and you would soon see how my brain differers and effects my life.

I can go years without talking to my family or online friends because I do not feel the need for social interactions the way most people do... I do not understand the need for small talk or chit chat, such as how was your day, what is the weather like where you are, how are you, do you like my new hair cut, is that a new dress...

I am more out going on the computer than I am in person, in person I hardly talk to anyone I dont know really well unless I have to...

Being around more than just 2 or 3 people at a time stresses me out a great deal, and if I have to spend hours around people I may end up having an autistic meltdown, although I do try and keep them from happening until I am in my safe place which is the car or my home, and when I have a meltdown I may do any or all of the following, burst into tears, scream, get angry, start rocking or stimming ... which is when I may touch or rub my face or my fingers or my clothes or something else continuely, I may scratch or rub my hair until I am actually breaking it (currently have breakage in my fringe from doing just that), humming or I may even go mute and not be able to talk ... my brain just wont let me talk at all, no matter what anyone says to me, I just cant get any words out even if I can say them in my head... Its not like being mad at someone and just not talking to them to punish them, I physically can not bring myself to talk, until my brain allows it.

Any stress at all can cause me to do these things and other things as well that I havent meantioned ...

I can not stand people whistling it just makes me want to put my hands over my ears and rock or scream... other sounds can bother me this way as well... I cant eat certain things because of the tatse, smell or texure of it, I especially hate grainly feel to foods... I can not eat raspberries or blackberries because of the seeds, I dont like them in my mouth, I can only eat passionfruit if the seeds are removed... certain flours, especially those that dont have gluten in can be grainy when trying to eat things made from them... ( I have to eat  gluten free foods because when I get a certain amount of gluten I get really bad pains in my tummy, luckily I can eat a little bit of gluten so if needs be I can, such as if we are out in the car and need to get something to eat and there is nothing gluten free around, but I try not to eat it at all when possible.) ...

I dont like people touching me, including shaking hands, I dont like people being close to me. I dont like touching things that other people have touched and sometimes I cant eat things if someone else has made it because they had to touch it. I dont like touching door handles, or other things people may have touched... and I dont like going on trains or buses or in taxies as they cause me a great deal of stress, the same as touching money especially coins is something I hate, anything metal that other people have touched, because it smells horrible... not that I go around smelling metal, but after handling coins if my hand goes near my nose I smell the horrible smell and I cant stand it.

I take things literally a great deal of the time .... such as when an online friend said that The boom gates are down but no train is coming ... I actually though he meant that the boom gates where down but there was no train around and so I commented, but he was talking about how his dog is a little mentally slow...

I see something used on the computer such as *facepalm* or the phrase *Suck it up princess* and if I only see examples of it used a certain way then that is how I take it. Its the same way as I see this * !!!!!!!!! * at the end of a sentence as being aggressive and over the top.

The same way I went to a new tattooist and meantioned about that I have an idea for a back tattoo that I want to get done at some point and he said that he would be very upset if I went to anyone else to get it done... now I have taken him litterally about this and I dont know if its true or not, and he said nice things to me, which is how some asperger autistic people get into trouble because we can fixate on people who we feel treat us nice or show us any attention. We dont always understand that people do it to get what they want from us, or because its part of their job, we are not good at connecting to people so sometimes we see a connection that isnt there, which is bad when we are not good at social boundries.

Now you may ask how can you go to a tattooist if you have these issues ... I can go places if I am with someone I trust completely and who I know can handle me when things start to get too much for me... that person is normally my husband but I also trust my neices and nephews... I also enjoy tattoos because they are a passion of mine and I think they look pretty and mine all have meanings to me and while yes certain parts of your body can hurt more than others when getting a tattoo, I know that after the pains I will have a beautiful work of art that means something special to me.

I am always honest and tell the truth as I know it and sometimes that means I am a little too honest and open with people about things, especially about myself.

There are so many other little things that when added to the rest of my traits show that I am different to other people, even thoughs who may not consider themselves NT, or who see that I think a lot like they do. :)

Its really not my thoughts that make me different its how my brain is wired and how I process things, not how I think about things.

I normally wear baggy clothes because I do not like the feel of tight things, I also dont really like dresses or skirts and I dont really like to wear shoes. I prefer mens shirts, although the neck sometimes feels too clinging for me because many mens shirts the collar sits up high rather than lower.

I dont normally wear makeup and I dont like having my hair done, even as a child the minute I got to school I would take my ponytails or plaits out, I dont wear perfume often or underarm sprays... my bodywash and my shampoo and conditioner smell nice enough that I dont think I need the other smells as well.

I sometimes look younger than I am and I know that more often than not I act younger than I am. I love cartoons and my husband says I'm like a little kid when I watch them. I seem to get along better with younger people than I do with people my age or older.

I enjoy reading because it takes me into worlds where I feel more connected and am understood and can understand things so much better.

I have a timetable in my head and when things dont go on schedule I get flustered and stressed... Yet I have a hard time getting to places on time... mainly visits with the in-laws ... that isnt intentional.
I am just happiest at home or in other controlled environment, where I feel safe and feel I can be myself without judgement.

I can sit for 24 hours playing a computer game if I am interested in and not care what is happening around me, I may not eat unless I my tummy is actually hurting from lack of food and I may not even drink anything either... I have sat on waja's for 12 hours at times, although I may sometimes be logged out when it seems like I havent been active because I am just looking at my waja's trying to work out names or mates for them.

Luckily we pay our bills and buy our food within 24 hours of getting my husbands pay... I dont get any money from anyone or any government or anything, my husbands wage is the only money supporting the 2 of us, so we dont have much money after that but if we didnt do that then I would actually spend all our money on paying for game, such as Farmville2, Waja's, Miscrits and any other online games that I like.

:)


So as you can see its not exactly what I think that makes me different, going by that alone I would probably easily pass for someone who is neuro-typical, as I said its how I process other things such as the need for communication or the need for human connections.

:)

Now just to be clear for me someone who is neuro-typical (NT) - is someone who can deal with being around people, going shopping, talking on the phone, has friends they see every day or even just on weekends, can deal with stress without having a meltdown or going mute... Someone who can basically deal with everyday life like billions of other people do...

I Wonder ....

Sometimes I wonder what its like for family members when they are told someone they have known for ages is actually autistic.

Does it confuse them because they considered that person "normal" or maybe just a little weird or a little eccentric, or a little different...

I wonder this because I have told one of my sisters that I have been diagnosed with Aspergers Autism, I emailed her, but heard nothing back from her, so then I sat down and wrote her a letter telling her... its been at least 2 months since then and again I have not heard from her....

This confuses me because I do not know what she is thinking and I believe it would only be the polite or correct thing to at least acknowledge that she had received the letter... even if the subject is something that she does not wish to discuss.

Does she not believe me ?

Does she no longer want anything to do with me ?

Does she not know what to say ?

Is she confused as to how to interact with me now ?

Is she mad at me ?


........ ? ? ? ....... I am confused .....



I know that it could be hard to accept that someone you have known all your life... in her case 38 years ... is now saying they are autistic...

Of course really how well does any of my family know me ?

My mother knew me for nearly 21 years ....

But my sisters lived with me for only at the most 14 - 15 years and at the least 9 to 11 years..... and some of that was during the early years when you don't remember much or really care about how someone acts or when you are going through your own stuff.

So really other than my Mother the only other person who has lived with me the longest and knows me better than anyone is David .... my husband of nearly 17 years ....

But family is meant to have a connection ... so why did no one ever consider that I may have has issues ? Is it because they didnt live with me long enough ? or because they were teenages when I was growing up and when they started their own lives? ... Is it because we dont contact each other very much ? Is it because they thought of me as just a little strange... ?

I do wonder what it would be like to have a close knit family and have those close connections to family and friends...

Are Humans Afraid Of The Dark ?

Sometimes what I post may not seem related to aspergers autism ... but since what I am saying is coming from my head then in away everything I say is related to aspergers autism.

Now for many years I have wondered why offices and buildings keep lights on at night when there is no one around... It seems very wasteful of electricity to me.

It makes me feel that the majority of the human population is afraid of the dark.

It can not be healthy living in a world where night time is not actually dark ... it looks dark, sure but have you looked at the sky above a city or large town ... its not the black / dark blue that it is when you are in an isolated place where there are no lights around at all.

Of course I realise that lights left on in shops and offices are probably there to deter burglars, but isnt that what security systems and night vision cctv cameras are for ?

I really dont understand why humans seem to need so much light at night...

I mean I've seen cars driving without headlights on because street lights are so bright that the people driving didnt even realise they had no head lights on.

Do you know what its like when you cant sleep unless its really dark, but you cant sleep in a completely sealed up room ....

I like sleeping in a very dark room, yet I need to have a window open so I can get air flow, or I feel trapped... but its hard to have a dark enough room sometimes just because outside of that room its way to light.

Autism Epidemic

I was just reading a magazine which had an article called The Autism generation, and in it there is mention of how the number of children with autism is doubling every 5 years. The word Epidemic was used twice.

In the story is mention of how on lady with an autistic child says "They are dropping like flies." followed by the words It's and epidemic. And it scares me.

There are also words like ... before long one in 30 children could suffer.

This parent of an autistic child is I am guessing NT as there is no where in the article mention of her also having autism.

What I would like to know is why NT people seem to feel that being Autistic is a disease or something to be feared....

Has anyone ever considered the possibility that the reason more and more children are being diagnosed with Autism is due to the fact that Autism is actually the next evolution in human development ?

Sure being Autistic is hard a lot of the time, but that's because there are more NT people in the world then Autistic spectrum people... If it was reversed and there were more Autistic people than NT people then maybe things wouldn't be so much of an issue for us autistic people.... Maybe NT people would then find life harder and more confusing.... Maybe then we could say lets find a cure for you to stop you being Neuro-typical .... Lets see if you like being told you need to be cured... that you have something that needs a cure.

People don't want to give their child a needle to vaccinate against certain things because they believe these needles are the cause or one cause or even just a possible cause of Autism spectrum disorders... the article I read says how this woman's child was fine until he had his 12 month shots then he changed...

I wonder do people consider that babies once they reach a year old are more aware of their surroundings and more aware of themselves ... so of course a child may start to change once he or she reaches a year old because things may start to bother them now that they are more aware... At 12 months they should be eating food rather than just drinking milk, so obviously for autistic children who have issues with certain foods, taste, smell, feel, they are going to have issue that they didn't have at 5 months old, sounds and light sensitivity may also be more noticeable once a child reaches a year old is is becoming more aware of him / herself and the world beyond.

This person also says ... Yet no one says, "if only my new baby could be ... autistic".

But that statement is so untrue because if I could have a baby I would want an autistic baby because I could understand an autistic child better than I could understand a "normal" child.

I realise why people want to cure autism, but I also don't understand why they want to ... its like saying lets cure blond hair because all blonde's are bimbo's (stupid) ... I am a natural blond although I dye my hair so its never blond anymore, but that's why I choose blond hair as an example ...

Shouldn't the autistic people of the world have a say in whether or not they need to be cured ?

Sure being autistic can be so very difficult and it can cause so many issues ... but most of those issues come about because NT people don't understand about autism.... Yes it would be great to have life be a little easier at times ... to be able to hang out with friends, to be able to talk on the phone all the time, to be able to be as out going as everyone else ... but I am more than just Autism ... I'm kind and caring, I can see both sides of an argument, I love animals so much, I'm smart, and funny (sometimes even NT people get my humour) yet autism is part of who I am, I wouldnt want to be cured of it, because I dont see it as a disease but as a difference.

I cant speak for anyone else who has autism but for me I hate it when people make autism out to be a burden, or a disease that needs to be cured. Yet the word Epidemic used in this story make autism into a disease ... as the dictionary definition of Epidemic is ... n. 1 widespread occurrence of a disease in a community at a particular time. 2 such a disease. 3 (foll. by of) wide prevalence of something use. undesirable.

Piano

I have always liked the piano, as a child after school I would help my mother clean the primary school that I went to, and there was a room that had a piano in it. I would always end up in there messing around with the piano, creating music without even knowing what I was doing.

I think someone at the school, either a teacher or more likely one of the other students taught me to play this kind of scale piece which I dont know the name of but its basically just the black keys and goes like this ...

 FGA  CC  FGA  CC  FGA  CDFDC  AGF  DD  AGF  DD  AGF DD  AGF DDCAD

Then when I got to high school I had one term of music, I wanted to learn the sax but my parents said no, plus having asthma means I probably wouldnt be good at the sax anyway, not enough lung power.

So I did piano and by the end of the term I had learnt to play Amazing Grace. But I never had music again after that term and left school halfway through the next year ... Yes I only did one and half years of High school ....

Anyway now I have a piano / electric keyboard... not a full piano but good enough to learn stuff on.

I dont have a music teacher, I'm just teaching myself... I'm not that good at knowing what not is what, but if it has a not is written with a letter  - CDEFGAB - then its easy for me.

So within the first hour I had of having the piano I had taught myself the first 2 lines of Jinglebells... after messing around with the piano it was probably just 5 or 10 minutes of playing for me to work out jinglebells, I decided to practice for at least a month each song to be sure that I had it in my head and fingers but after a few days of just playing jinglebells it became annoying and maybe even a little bit boring... so I started to teach myself the first line of Jambalaya (On the Bayou) and withing a few minutes I had that in my head.

Then I decided to try The Lion Sleeps Tonight ... so again just within 5 minutes and I had the first 2 lines of that song also learnt.

I do not know if this is fast or not, but I do enjoy it and I think I may have an aptitude for piano, as a child I did have a slight aptitude for drawing but I never persuded that and now that ability is just a tiny smudge now, no longer what it was or what it could have been.

Now I just have to learn how to play with both my right and left hand at the same time.

I may end up seeing if I can find someone to teach me to play... I'm teaching David what I learn, so then we can both play together.

:)

2 Worlds Collide

For me having Aspergers Autism is kind of like living in 2 worlds at the same time ... one half of you lives in the real world and the other half of you lives in a parallel world and you can never be completely in both worlds.

Its like trying to play tennis and swim laps at the same time.

Its like living in France and not being able to speak more than 2 or 3 words in French and no one else speaks English.

While I understand some things, like that NT people like to talk and so therefore like to phone each other or text each other or message each other a lot and they expect their friends to want to talk to them as much as they do.... Its only human nature to want to connect to other humans ...

Yet just because I know this it doesnt mean I feel the need / desire to talk

Not having that need means people end up feeling that I dont like them or that I dont want to talk to them and friendships that are just getting started tend to end with no longer being in contact with each other.

Of course just because I have no desire to chat it doesnt mean that I dont like responding to messages, I may not always know what to say or even feel a need to respond, but just like everyone else I want to be connected to people.... its frustrating that I can not feel a connection like other people do.

Sometimes the way I look at things is kind of child like / innocent ... yet I have been hurt so much in my life by others that I know the world isnt always a nice place, yet I cant help looking at it the way I do...

Sometimes my view is obviously unrealistic ... such as how saying Please and Thank you should be easy for everyone ... But I also understand that humans are rather selfish on the whole and think mainly only about themselves ... people seem to think its their right to walk through a door being held open by someone without having to say Thank You to the person holding it open...

Obviously not everyone is that self centred, but a majority of human beings are self centred, which is why when disaster strikes and you hear about strangers helping each other, they become hero's because putting others above yourself is a trait that is limited these days.

You often hear now on the news about things like how someone who went to the help of someone being attacked was in turn attacked and either hospitalized or killed for going to help .... and that is why people are getting less and less willing to put themselves out for strangers.... As an example, people are scared to pick up hitchers now in case the hitchhiker attacks them...

People walk around these days texting on their phones or talking on their phones.. it keeps them connected to people but at the same time it also isolates them from the world around them..

A couple of years ago I sent out a Facebook invite for people to come to a party this year, and we needed 60 people to come, yet having asked over 100 people through Facebook and having given then all 2 years to organise time off, only about 6 people said they would come.... Hardly anyone has replied to posts asking them to let me know if they are coming....

I sometimes wonder what is the point of these people having me on their friends list if they can not even bother replying to things when I ask them.... and people wonder why I dont feel the need to talk to people... maybe if they talked back when I needed them to talk it would be better...

I honestly dont understand how to deal with people... I am totally lost when it comes to interaction...

But that is where it can be confusing for people who know me as they have seen me interact with people, seen me being like everyone else... but what they dont understand is that while I appear to be "normal" I'm so stressed inside and not really understanding what I am doing .. not knowing if I am saying the right things, talking too loud, laughing at the wrong time, looking too intently into someones eyes, not being sure of what is the right thing to reply ... basically just winging it ... (I'm sure that is the right term I should use here)

I wish that I didnt live in 2 worlds, but I do ...

People have said to me things like.... I'm shy to but I just go out and talk to people, you can make friends if you just try as well...

But these people dont realise that my shyness is a different type of shyness ... mine is due to not understanding people, not feeling a connection.... and I think that people on a subconscious level pick up on that, which is why not many people want to be friends.

Of course I am not even really sure if people I do know consider me a friend or an acquaintance... If I dont see people for months and months or dont really have contact with them, are they still considered a friend ? As to my mind all the people I know are just acquaintances, they can not really be considered friends in the dictionary definition sense as in ( 1. person one likes and chooses to spend time with - usu. without sexual or family bonds - ) ... So as I do not spend time with people who may or may not be friends then that would make them acquaintances right? ...

Of course this is complicated as I realise that it should not just be up to the other person to come and see me, but for a friendship to work with me and other people, its the other people who have to take charge of the friendship... They have to be the ones who organise a day and time to visit, who invite me to visit them on a set day and time (preferably when David can come with me as I dont like to use public transport on my own) ... I know it seems like I am putting a lot of the responsibility of the friendship onto the other person but because I dont have a connection to people and dont understand social involvements the way others do, then I really do need to take a passive roll in that part of the friendships.

I once had a friend in early 2000 who would organise to come and pick me up or have David drop me off at her place and then we would either stay at her house or we would go out on errands, she would drive us wherever she needed to go... It was really nice, until she started to use me as a cover for her affair, that started to get to me, especially when I became like a third wheel at lunch meetings between them... So that friendship ended after my having talked with someone else ( an online friend I had never met in person, but felt comfortable to talk with ) about how upset i was at being used ... Well this person sent the friend who was using me an email and basically exposed her to her husband, I dont think that was what she intended, but it ended the friendship I had with both ladies. But at the start of my friendship with this first lady it was nice having someone who could be in charge and was willing to be the one who organised things about visiting or taking me places.
My Autistic world is one that is rather lonely as I tend to be the only one in that world, its a world full of books, imagination, fantasy... where a pigeon becomes a dragon, where a rain puddle becomes a lake, where a flower becomes a jewel, where animals are the only things who care about me and respect me and understand me.

The Real world is one that is rather confusing with people telling lies and being mean, being sarcastic, saying things like I wont hurt you like other people have and then doing just that... Where I understand something to mean one thing but in reality it means something else altogether, where being touched can make me hurt, where people invading me space by walking too close to me stresses me out so much, where talking to someone can become a mine field of not knowing what they mean and not knowing what to say or when to stop saying things, where getting a gift becomes stressful because then you dont know if the other person expects a gift back at some point, where as when you give a gift to someone you dont expect anything in return, but then people take advantage of that... Its where certain tastes or smells are too much for you, where being lonely even when you have family who love you is just part of life.

When you spend too much time in the Real world trying to be "normal" that's when it collides with the Autistic world... that is when you have meltdowns, get depressed or suicidal, scream, have a temper tantrum, become mute.... or what ever else happens with you when 2 world collide.

Obsessions

Ok obessions .... well I know I've talked about this before and there will probably be times in the future where I repeat many things I have already posts.


I've started to call Aspergers - Aspergers Autism - rather than asperger syndrome because I feel Aspergers Autism is a much better name as it has both Dr Asperger's name and also what it is a form of.

Anyway .... people with Aspergers Autism can become obsessive about things ... sometimes we can even become obsessed with people ... but of course we are all different so what we obsess on can also varied.

I am one person who does become obsessed with people.

Now if you are the partner, boyfriend / girlfriend, of someone with Aspergers Autism, at the beginning of a relationship it can very overwhelming if your partner has become obessed with you. It can cause a number of problems in your daily life.

The best things to do it sit down and work out some rules together, such as only messaging, texting, calling, emailing you at certain times of the day.

I know with me I dont always know where peoples boundries are so to have a set of rules would be so helpful to me... I dont always know if I am giving out too much personal information or not, as I am very honest and open about things, but of course that can make other people uncomfortable.... I also dont know where a conversation is meant to end....

Which is why, especially in written conversations I may not answer something someone says as what they say, may in my mind, not have a need for a reply, yet they may have expected me to reply back.

Of course even in written conversations I am not always able to understand what is going on... for instance, some people seem to find the use of ! very important and may end a word with!!!!!!!

Where as I dont understand that and actually see the use of so many ! as being aggressive and rude.

Manners are a little bit of an obsession with me, as I dont understand why people feel the need not to use manners, such as saying Please and Thank You ... to me it seems as if so many people these days feel that they have a right to everything, rather than feel priverliged when they get something. So I am very obsessive with good manners and even with David I will say Please and Thank you when recieving, doing or asking for something.

Another one of my long term obsessions is reading... I can read for at least 18 hours a day if I have the right books. I get lost in the worlds and lives of those I read about.

Music is a slight obsession with me as well.

Computer games, whether PC, Xbox or Playstation can become obsessions with me, and again I will sit for 18 hours just playing games ... I've been known not to sleep at times when obsessed by a game... luckily most game obsessions end fairly quickly, like in less than a month or two .... especially if I get to a point where no matter what I cant get passed after about a week of trying...

Swimming can be an obsession for me, but I havent been swimming for years now as I find it very stressful being around so many people at the local pool and the ocean is way too cold for me.

But yes with obssessions they can end quickly or they can continue for a long time, sometimes we may need to have rules set down for us to help us with ou obsessions and at other times, patience is the best thing.

But explaining things to us is always a good idea as we dont always consider those outside of our own little worlds where we live alone.

Growing Up

Over the last few days I have been thinking about me and my growing up not knowing I had Aspergers Autism.

I do know that all my life I have always felt I was different to everyone else, finally knowing why has made things easier, but I do wish I had of known when I was just a young child around 8 to 10 years old, I think then so much more would have made sense to me.

I've always watched people and mimicked what I saw and considered "normal" behaviour.

One thing I couldnt mimic was the ability to want and to keep friends. I was happy alone. I of course did have sisters but much of the time I felt they were ashamed of me for various reasons. My younger sister got to a certain age were she no longer wanted to be my friend. Now as adults we have all gone our own ways and hardly keep in touch... of course for me that is just part of me... the not staying in contact... I know that I should, but there is no drive like what "normal" people have to be in contact with the people in their lives.

I just hope that my sisters know that I do love them with all my heart and would give them a lung if they needed it ... or any other body part I could spare... because they mean the world to me.

As do my nieces and nephews.

I think living so far away from my family is hard for me, because I love them so much and because in truth they are really the only people that I have a strong connection to, other than David.

But in the world David is the only person who really knows me, when you come down to it I have been with him for 18 years now and in that time we havent been a part more than a week, so he sees my autism characteristics and deals with my meltdowns and my needing things to be certain ways... Where as my sisters and other family members really havent spent anywhere near 18 years with me.

You also can not count the very early years of childhood because as a baby and infant of up to 4 or 5 years you really are not as aware of those around you, you dont take notice of them.

So from the time I was born my older sisters were really in my life for only 8 to 10 years before they moved out of home and into homes of their own and children of their own.. so take the first 5 years off of that and that means I was only really aware of them for about 3 to 5 years where we lived in the same house.

For my younger sister if you take off the first 5 years then it would be slightly longer that we lived together in the same house, about 9 to 10 years.

So it would be very easy for my sisters to not see my Autistic characteristics and if they did see any it would be easy to pass them off as my being a little eccentric, a little odd.

Even now I do not know if they accept it or understand it or believe it... Its probably easy to go back to thinking that I am "normal"

Although for me as I said, I always knew that I was different, even while trying so very hard to fit in with those around me.

I tried at school to make friends but I dont think I really had any friends, I never when to peoples houses or had sleep overs, was never invited to birthday parties, even though at the age of 10 and again at 12 I did have birthday parties were I was able to invite some people I knew from school, although most had parents that were friends with my parents.

I know that most of the time during recess or lunch I would spend my time alone at the back of the oval or somewhere else like that, where I could watch the other kids playing together and I could just sit and watch the tree's and the animals.. like ants or birds or caterpillars ....

I guess maybe thats why I enjoyed camping and fishing and swimming, growing up as those were activities were I could come across as "normal" even to my family because these were activities were you didnt have to interact too much.

One memory I enjoy about fishing was when I caught a catfish one time and needed my younger sisters help to pull it in...

I really do like it when I am able to connect with my family, because I do love them so much and those moments are very rare and so special to me.

Its rather lonely not feeling connected to people... think of it as being connected to everyone by computer and then think of how that would be if you lost that connection... you know the people are still there but you cant connect / interact with them because you have no Internet connection...

Thats what its like for me.. I know that people are there and are connected to each other but my connection has no power to connect so I know its there and available but I am not able to log in.

When people do interact with me, they seem to be only able to keep it up for a limited amount of time before they fade away from me.

I do now try and explain to people that if I am not talking to you or replying to messages or posts, even if I said I would, then you need to to contact me again because sometimes I just need a reminder to interact with you.

I sometimes would like to know how family and people from school remember me growing up .. did they notice anything different about me... did they think I was slightly off, slight eccentric, slightly weird ?

:)

I so wish I was better at social interaction and knowing what is acceptable and what isnt.

Growing up I always connected better to animals than people... I always felt such a strong connection, even to caterpillars, frogs, butterflies, tadpoles and so on.

I considered becoming a vet when younger but I wouldnt have been able to deal with seeing animals in pain, and I certainly wouldnt be able to put animals to sleep.

I think it is unfair that we put animals to sleep that we believe are suffering from pain but we let other human beings who are suffering live in pain... at least humans can actually say Yes I want to end my suffering ...

We also put animals to sleep just because they can not find homes, yet we do not put our homeless humans to sleep..

Animals to me are a life line to the world and growing up my inner world was full of wild animal friends.

Now as an Adult unable to have children, animals are not only my friends but also my family.

Of course because I do gett attached to animals, it means I tend to have a lot of dogs, cats or other animals in my life and I am always wanting more, even though I shouldnt ... I like it when David says I cant have some animals, even though at the time I dont like it and he has to deal with my being upset, but later I understand it is probably better that I didnt get it, although knowing that doesnt stop me from still wanting what I did. 

:)

Yes I'm Different

Why does it seem hard for some people to understand that yes I am different to them.


Where NT people see a game like Waja's as just a bunch of pixels ... I see a real world ... Those pixel characters are as real to me as the people paying to buy them ...

Why is that so hard to understand?

Why is it also hard to understand that I have a set of idea's reguarding rules or reguarding what is fair or right...

To me I dont think its right to get say 20 waja's free by going to 20 different newbie forums ... To me that is lazy and not right at all ... when I joined waja's I asked for one free waja and then I worked out how to play the game and make money for myself so I could buy more waja's and then breed.

It distresses me when I see people being lazy and cheating ... which is basically how I see it.

I get people who take a free waja or two from me and then transfer it to their second cave or a friends cave so that they can get more free waja's because it looks like they have none at all.

If the only way for people to survive in the world was to cheat and lie, then I wouldnt last very long at all.

What gets me though is that I understand that people see things differently to me and I try to accept that I am not always going to see things the same waya as everyone .... Yet most NT people dont seem to be able to reciprocate. ... And yet I am the one who is considered disabled or broken ... ?

*** Autism = developmental disability / disorder affecting physical, social, lanuage skills and causing a withdrawal into one's inner world. ***

*** NT = Neuro Typical ... Neuro-typical is a term used to describe people who are not developmentally disabled ... Someone who is considered to have a normal brain ***

Both definitions above where taken from both medical and dictionary websites online.



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Mixed Thoughts

Sometimes I worry that I will get stuck in my own head and not be able to get out again.

I dont know if I can explain what I mean by that but I will try.

Sometimes I feel like its so hard to come out and talk and be part of the world. As if my body isnt mine and it takes too much to make it work. Its easier to just stay in the body and not be part of whats going on other than as a watcher.

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I am getting a keyboard - electric piano type -

I tried to play guitar when I was a child but I had to play it left handed, even though I am normally right handed, except when I eat, and I didnt like how the strings hurt my fingers.

I used to mess around with the school piano after school, primary school, as my mother used to clean there and I would stay to help her.

When I got to high school I had music class and I  wanted to learn the saxaphone but my parents wouldnt let me, but during music class I got to learn the piano a little and was able to play Amazing Grace.

But I never really did more than one term of music class and so never really got to learn completely.

Now I am getting a keyboard and will try to teach myself and maybe if I feel brave I may try to take music lessons.. but I am not sure I could do that.

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On Friday one of my puppies went to her new home... I was so sad after she left as I missed her so much... but I am glad she has a loving home with someone who will love her very much.

I had hoped that my nephew would adopt the boy puppy but he says that now he isnt able to... I dont really want the boy to go to someone else now...

I really want him to go to someone I know so I can see him if I want to. I wonder if my father-in-law would want him as a fathers day present ?

Probably not, although it would be  agreat way to get me over there to visit more often. :)

I have been hoping that I would will a million dollars with the lotto so I could buy a bigger house on a bigger property, then I could just keep the pups myself.

But I think I stand a better chance of losing 40 kg in weight than I do of winning the lotter... If you knew me you would realise that losing 40 kg in weight is nearly impossible for me as I have PCOS which makes it easy for me to put on weight but hard to take it off.

I already eat child size portions of food and prefer organic foods and foods that are fresh and healthy.

I'm a contradiction in regards to weight as looking at what I eat I should be about 80 kg or less yet I am plus sized.

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I have started to use these things for my fingernails, that are like nail polish but you peel it of and stick it on your nails and thats it all you do.

Normal nail polish tends to peel and chip within a day or two, normally within the first hour even, but these stick on nail polish stays on for at least a week or more. Its great.

But its hard to get everyone to fix exactly on my nails, so sometimes it doesnt look as good as it could.

Touching

Watching the Olympics on tv ... the gymnastics ...

It made me wonder what it feels like to be able to hug, shake hands or just be touched by people and not be bothered by it.

Like many people with Aspergers Autism I do not like being touched... I'm ok with people I feel comfortable with such as my husband and some family members... I dont really have friends in life that I see face to face, but if I do see someone who is a friend I can hug them if they either just start the hug or if they ask for a hug.

If I want to be touched then I am ok with being touched.

When I am really upset and stressed I dont like being touched at all, even David can not touch me if I am really stressed or upset, because being hugged or touched when I am really upset or stressed kind of hurts me.

When I see people touch other people who they dont even know I wonder what it feels like to not be bothered by that and I think it must be very refreshing ...

People seem to take it for granted that they can touch someone even if they dont know that person.

If I shake hands with someone I dont really know well its normally because its what is expected in society, but I hate doing it because I dont like touching people, but I can not think of a polite way to tell someone I do not shake hands.

If I hug someone its because I care about them and like them.

I like the Japanese culture of bowing to show respect rather than shaking hands... that would work so much better for me...

:)

:)

Since finding out that I have Aspergers Autism, its explained so much to me about my life, especially about hiding as a child how hard being a part of the world was, and learning what is acceptable "normal" behaviour and then mimicking those around me so I could come across as "normal"

Even as a small child I dont think I had a lot of contact with people, so its understandable that my differences could be over looked.... and now its probably hard for family to think of me as anything but "normal"

Unfortunately I know I am not alone with that as many Aspergers Autistic people I have discovered online have had many of the same issues as I have had, epecially those of us who were diagnosed later on in life.

:)

Stressed

Since Sheldons death a week ago, I have been very stressed and overwhelmed... I have cried myself to sleep, I have crided in the car, luckily I am always a passenger and not the driver, I have cried at home and in the shower... I cried so much in the shower that first and second day that I do not know if I was washing in clean water or in salty tears.

My heart has been broken by his loss and I will always blame myself for it, thinking there could have been something I did differently to stop this from happening... Maybe if I had of kept him seperated from the other 3 .. I knew they were bigger and rougher ... one of them may have banged his soft spot, danaging his brain and causing the seizures...

I am not as sad anymore, now I only cry every once in a while, not every hour... I've been trying to keep my brain busy, by plaing on Waja's, Chicken Smoothie and Facebook games... all of which have helped over the 3 days...

Because of the major stress I have felt I have become sick and have a chest infection. I normally get sick if I am over stressed.

David got me some cough medicine, but I hate it.. I do not like chemicals in my body and I hate anything that tastes of chemicals... This medication is horrible and I do not want to take it, David knows how much I do not want to take it but he makes me take it anyway because he wants me to get better.

I do not think it is helping... My inner child sits in my head covering her eyes and sealing her mouth shut any time the medicine comes near me, and when that chemical taste hits the back of my throat she screams and cries and  has a temper tantrum... I would do that to but I know its better if I dont.

I have recently started to think of my brain as a house with different parts of me in different rooms, such as my inner child, my inner geek/genius, my inner goth/emo and so on... They are in no way different personalities, they are all me, just different emotions, thoughts and feelings that I am currently trying to compartmentalise so I can see if it helps me to work out things better... I dont think it will help but it is something new for me to try.
Why do medications have to taste so yucky ? Surely there is a way to make them taste nice.

We are having Sheldon cremated, which is what have done with all our dogs over the years. Some of his ashes will be going into a sealed silver locket so I can have him close to me, and the rest of his ashes are going into a small silver heart. It willl take a week maybe 2 before I will get his ashes back.

He was only around 300 grams so I had to find the smallest things for his ashes, and I wanted the locket because Sheldon was so special to me, I know that some people may not understand my need to have some of his ashes in a locket, which I will wear, but he really was like my child, and I will remember him for ever and his death will always be a sad memory that will never go away until I myself die one day.

It has been hard dealing with his brother and sisters and with seeing photos of him, and if anyone mentions him its hard also... I hope that soon I will get to a point where I wont be sad as much... I know that Sheldon wouldnt want me to be this sad, as most animals try to comfort people in their own ways, so I know that Sheldon would be happier if I could be happier.... but it is s hard.


This quote is from William Wordsworth

There is comfort in the strength of love;
'twill make a thing endurable,
which else would overset the brain,
or break the heart.

I'm So Distressed

On Wednesday July 25th 2012 at 9:37 pm .... My tiny chihuahua boy Sheldon died in my arms at the age of 7 weeks and 4 days.

I have been devistated by his loss and have been crying nearly once every hour since his death. Including crying myself to sleep.

On Monday morning he had a seizure and he threw up after and seemed tired after but also seemed fairly fine... On Tuesday he was again very tired but did drink and eat ... But then on Wednesday he was fairly cold and dehydrated and hardly moving so we took him straight to the vet who gave him fluids both internally and under his skin ... he couldnt have a drip because of being so tiny.... The vet called at 2pm to say he was doing a bit better and to call them at 5 to see if he could come home...

So at 5 we called and they said he was still unwell but could come home with us, so we went and got him... they gave us some glucose to mix up and to give him a few drops every 30 minutes or so and we were told to keep him warm ...

About an hour after getting home he wanted to go on the floor, where he pooped and then walked over to the water bowl, but didnt have anything to drink... I picked him back up and gave him a bit of glucose and kept him warm... He seemed to do so much better and with his walk to the water bowl I was feeling much happier about his condition, but then he started to have small seizures, within minutes of each other and then he died in my arms.

He is being cremated and I will have a silver locket with some of his ashes in as well as a silver heart with the rest of his ashes in... In the gold locket I have, I have some of his fur, which my husband cut from Sheldon for me.

I had hand raised this little man from basically the time he was born and he was such a mamma's boy, he would come to me the minute he heard my voice. He was the closet thing I had to a human baby.

I can not understand it and I just want to rewind time to when Sheldon was just 4 weeks old and start again from there and do things slightly different, like I would keep him from his siblings who were rather mean to him... as maybe they were too rough on him and banged his soft spot early monday morning which then caused his seizures... If I haad kept him isolated until they went to new homes maybe he would still be here... There are other things that I keep thinking about... but I know none of it will bring him back.... but I cant deal with his loss, I miss him so much.

This is the poem I wrote for him the day after he died...

"Sheldons Loss"

The heavens cried
The night Sheldon died
The tiniest biy
Filled my heart with joy
But now he is gone
I dont want to go on
So much pain
In my heart and brain
Something has died
Deep inside
And its ripped me apart
And its killed my heart.

This photo of Sheldon taken 12 days before he died.













He was such a beautiful, loving little boy who just wanted to be with me as soon as he would hear my voice.