If others were aware of my condition many of my behaviours and thoughts would fall into place for them.
I am someone who is a contradiction at times as I sometimes want results pretty quick and am not always very patient, but know somethings need patience and for somethings I can be paitent.
I can become anxieous by only the thought of not knowing what is going to happen.
Shopping for grosseries is a challenge. I can only do it when David is with me and I become stressed when there are many people around because they walk in my way or walk too close behind me etc. I sometimes need to stand looking at a shelf just to calm down a little and I only wind down when I am in the car with David.
I recall the days when I lived with my parents. Dad's moods controlled the household and I was very sensitive to the atmosphere in the family. I could literally feel the tension in the air. I was anxious already as soon he walked into the house. Without knowing it anxiety has been a big issue in my life since childhood.
I can be very anxious for things that are going to happen even if it is not a scary thing for others. Such going to visit in-laws can make me feel anxious instead of looking forward to the visit, I can become so stressed that I can get physically ill. I do want to be part of the family and see them more but leaving my home for a 2 to 3 hour trip is really stressful for me when it involves going to visit people and the fact I am not good at face to face converstaions does not help my stress at all.
I am sometimes afraid of being alone which causes the anxiety. Yet I am not comfortable around people in general.
I want the presence of somebody around during the day without having to talk to them very much, just being there would be enough.
While I also enjoy being alone because there is no confrontation and miscommunication etc, over the last 3 to 4 years I have come to feel very alone and long for someone to visit me each day during the week for at least 30 to 60 minutes. Yet there is no one in my life who can do this as I dont have any close friends.
I know the anxiety is part of me and sometimes I can control it better than at other times but so far I haven't found a real solution to deal with it besides avoiding everything and everybody as much as possible.
Not going to parties or dinner invitations just to avoid the anxiety works for me, but then I am accused of being anti-social or snobby.
Sometimes I feel that I am the one who makes the most compromises to be part of society because its society that makes me anxious.
Having been raped twice by men I trusted and once by someone I didnt know and having been in a physically and mentally abusive relationship has also increased my build up anxiety...
Having lost a child and a mother so close together as well as other family and known people.. also added to my anxiety..
Yes its easy to say, well go talk to a doctor, councilor or some other professional, take medication, do something... But those things dont work for everyone, and those of us with Aspergers medication can sometimes effect us differently than its meant to..
I do understand about my conditions and basically why I have them, and I even understand what I can do and try to help me deal and cope.. but knowing and even doing these things doesnt always help..
In 1995 I was misdiagnosed with a different condition, only part of which fit me, but I accepted it because a phyciatrist had given me the diagnosis, but I ended up going to be assessed again by someone and found out that I have Asperger Syndrome - a high functioning autism - Apparently doctors used to give out the BPD diagnosis if you fit some of the characteristics and they couldnt think of what else you might have and in 1995, I'm guessing Aspergers wasnt even considered.
