This time of the year is Hard for me Emotionally

In 1992, I was pregnant but lost my baby due to my pregnancy being ectopic, my pregnancy was fairly long for an ectopic, I was between 3 and 4 months pregnant when I lost my baby who I named Sarah Ashley.

This happened June 4th 1992 and 11 months later on May 21st 1993 my mother passed away.

My mother was only 46 years old when she died and she got sick with the flu and a week later she was gone.

So now on May 21st I have the anniversary of my mothers loss and 2 weeks later on June 4th its my babies loss that I remember.

Then on July 21st its my birthday.

I think the loss of my baby is made harder by the fact that I am not able to get pregnant after losing her, as one fallopian tube burst because of the pregnancy and the other became completely blocked due to surgery, plus I have PCOS ( Poly-Cystic Ovaries ) and I have a severe form of it.

Being a parent is the only thing I have ever wanted since I was 13 years old.

But I have no parents and no children.... of course really I should say I have no living children as I have a child in heaven, so I really I am a mother but to many people they dont see it that way.

So yeah, this time of the year is hard for me to deal with.. some years are easier than others.. this year (2012) seems to be a hard one.  I wish that I could go back in time just to hold my mum again for a minute and tell her that I love her with all my heart.

I know that she would have known that, but I want to do it, not because I dont think she knew, but because I think she deserved to hear it more.

Chihuahua Puppies

My Chihuahua Sara is going to have pups in 3 weeks time. This will be her second litter. The father is again my boy Hannibal.

Sara is 2kg and Hannibal is 1.8kg

Chihuahua's are hard when it comes to breeding as they have a tendency to need C-sections to give birth and the chance of losing pups is high.

With Sara's first litter she carried 3 pups but only the second born lived. The first born, a little white boy only lived a day... He was named Duke and there was some issues with his birth so the vet thinks that its possible he had some issues even before he was born. The second pup born was a girl and we named her Roni and she is a cheeky little thing... a long haired Black Tri. The third pup was a lovely marked Black and White girl who I named Sweetpea, she was still born, having died will being born. I tried to revive her including giving mouth to mouth but she did respond at all.

Losing pups is really hard, I hope that Sara has better luck this time.

Below is a photo of both Sara and Hannibal, followed by 3 photos of their pup Roni Girl, first at 2 days, then at 4 weeks and then at 6 months old.

This is Sara - Star Dancer

This is Hannibal - Sunchi Midnight Dreamer

This is Sara and Hannibal's pup ... Roni - Apachi Midnight Flower - at 2 days old



This is their pup Roni - Apachi Midnight Flower - at 4 weeks old



This is Roni - Apachi Midnight Flower - at 6 Months old

What's it like being Autistic ?

I was recently asked this questions. "Whats it like being Autistic?"

I am not sure of how you could answer it....

I am not sure of how to answer it because I've been the way I am all my life even if I didn't know it for most of it, but I don't know anything other than the way I am, so how can I possibly answer this question?

Of course I am taking this question literally and maybe it wasn't meant literally... but I think its a great question for my blog.

I don't know what life is like for someone who is neuro-typical, so how can I compare my myself to something I have no experience with.

Yet I think there are many people around who bridge the gap between neuro-typical and autistic people.

To me neuro-typical people seem like they have a great deal of confidence in regards to socializing, they can call a friend on the phone and talk for a few minutes or a few hours and then call them back to talk more the same day or the next day.

Yet I know of many people who are neuro-typical who have phone phobia and don't like to talk on the phone.

I only feel comfortable talking on the phone with people I really feel comfortable with, such as my husband and my niece... in fact they are really the only 2 people I do talk on the phone with.

I just don't feel comfortable talking on the phone because part of me isn't interested in talking about social things or just chit-chatting and part of me worries about taking things literally and there being misunderstandings.

One issue I have with conversations is that, normally there is no emotion involved in what I stay...

So if I say something like ... Why do you wait till the last minute to brake? .... ( as in stopping a car )

I am not criticizing or upset or angry I am just curious and wish to know .... but most people take it as me criticizing their driving or that I am upset at how they drive.

A lot of what I say seems to come across that way.... but I really am just trying to state facts or I am curious. .... I have no ulterior motive in what I do.

But that seems to be a strange concept to many neuro-typical people, as many (nt) people seem to think that other people have an ulterior motive for what they do or say.

Now as for social interaction, I do not feel the need to go shopping for clothes and shoes and I do not feel the need to go out for coffee... I am not saying I don't enjoy these things if I do do them ... ok well the shopping for clothes I really don't enjoy, but going for a coffee and spending time with people I feel comfortable and safe with is enjoyable... but I do not feel the need to do these things and unless someone actually comes to my place and says I'm taking you out for a coffee, then I don't do them very often.

The only person I do do these things with any way is my husband .... I have no girlfriends...

Maybe like dogs, people can sense a difference, and stay away.... I think I am probably hard to connect with and it seems that many (nt) people do not have the ability or the will to be the one who initiates and gives more in the social stakes of a possible friendship. Its obviously hard work keeping a friendship going when you are the one who seems to do all the work.

Its strange because I do know that some Autistic people seem to have a good friend base, of course I know of many who like me only have social interaction with a spouse or child or other family member.

So just on the above alone being Autistic seems very confusing and lonely ...

Confusing .... yes ... but only when I have to work out human interactions and be part of the (nt) world.

Lonely.... Yes it can be, as its not like I don't want friends, I do, but I am just not good at keeping them and when I do they all seem to end up like just an acquaintance rather than an actual friend.

What else can I say about what its like to be Autistic ?

Hmmmm ....

Its emotional .... I can be happy one minute and then suddenly I will have a meltdown ... which is a little embarrassing because I may blow up and yell and get angry and then burst into tears and cry... or I may just burst into tears... Normally a meltdown happens when I have been over stressed... a number of things have happened in my life and it just builds up, or I might be over stimulated by one situation, like when I go to the shops and there are so many people that they get too close to me and I get overwhelmed.

I try not to have meltdowns in public, but by controlling it enough to get to a safe or private place I am in fact adding to the overwhelming situation by holding the stress in.

Many times after a meltdown I will actually end up mute... this is a horrible feeling because I can not talk even if I want to... I can talk in my mind but words wont come out of my mouth... it can last anything from 10 minutes to a few hours ...


*** Will continue this later as I must head to bed right now ***

*** Edit... its been a few days now since this post .. I dont think I will finish it as I may move on to something else. ***