I do think like you !

This week I've talked with 2 people who have both said they read my blog (thank you for that) *smiles*

They also both meantioned that neither of them have aspergers autism as far as they know, but when reading my posts they see that my thoughts are just like theirs. :)

Well that is really great, as my blog is here to show the differences when there are some but to also show that while yes I am autistic it doesnt mean I cant think like you.

This is why it can be so hard to tell that someone has Aspergers Autism because it isnt always noticeable that there is a difference...

If I talked about nothing but Philosphical Anthropology, which is one of my passions or philosophy in general... then maybe yes you would notice a difference...

But I like to talk about other stuff to ... some of which may sound a little crazy and some may sound boring...

Sometimes it seems people hear the word Autism and think of Rainman or think of people who seem locked in their own world within their own minds.

Aspergers is a high functioning autisim, which means that if you met me for just a little while in person and when dealing with me on the computer I can come across as being NT.... and my blog helps people to see that I do think like them in so many way...

Yet spend a good amount of time with me and you would soon see how my brain differers and effects my life.

I can go years without talking to my family or online friends because I do not feel the need for social interactions the way most people do... I do not understand the need for small talk or chit chat, such as how was your day, what is the weather like where you are, how are you, do you like my new hair cut, is that a new dress...

I am more out going on the computer than I am in person, in person I hardly talk to anyone I dont know really well unless I have to...

Being around more than just 2 or 3 people at a time stresses me out a great deal, and if I have to spend hours around people I may end up having an autistic meltdown, although I do try and keep them from happening until I am in my safe place which is the car or my home, and when I have a meltdown I may do any or all of the following, burst into tears, scream, get angry, start rocking or stimming ... which is when I may touch or rub my face or my fingers or my clothes or something else continuely, I may scratch or rub my hair until I am actually breaking it (currently have breakage in my fringe from doing just that), humming or I may even go mute and not be able to talk ... my brain just wont let me talk at all, no matter what anyone says to me, I just cant get any words out even if I can say them in my head... Its not like being mad at someone and just not talking to them to punish them, I physically can not bring myself to talk, until my brain allows it.

Any stress at all can cause me to do these things and other things as well that I havent meantioned ...

I can not stand people whistling it just makes me want to put my hands over my ears and rock or scream... other sounds can bother me this way as well... I cant eat certain things because of the tatse, smell or texure of it, I especially hate grainly feel to foods... I can not eat raspberries or blackberries because of the seeds, I dont like them in my mouth, I can only eat passionfruit if the seeds are removed... certain flours, especially those that dont have gluten in can be grainy when trying to eat things made from them... ( I have to eat  gluten free foods because when I get a certain amount of gluten I get really bad pains in my tummy, luckily I can eat a little bit of gluten so if needs be I can, such as if we are out in the car and need to get something to eat and there is nothing gluten free around, but I try not to eat it at all when possible.) ...

I dont like people touching me, including shaking hands, I dont like people being close to me. I dont like touching things that other people have touched and sometimes I cant eat things if someone else has made it because they had to touch it. I dont like touching door handles, or other things people may have touched... and I dont like going on trains or buses or in taxies as they cause me a great deal of stress, the same as touching money especially coins is something I hate, anything metal that other people have touched, because it smells horrible... not that I go around smelling metal, but after handling coins if my hand goes near my nose I smell the horrible smell and I cant stand it.

I take things literally a great deal of the time .... such as when an online friend said that The boom gates are down but no train is coming ... I actually though he meant that the boom gates where down but there was no train around and so I commented, but he was talking about how his dog is a little mentally slow...

I see something used on the computer such as *facepalm* or the phrase *Suck it up princess* and if I only see examples of it used a certain way then that is how I take it. Its the same way as I see this * !!!!!!!!! * at the end of a sentence as being aggressive and over the top.

The same way I went to a new tattooist and meantioned about that I have an idea for a back tattoo that I want to get done at some point and he said that he would be very upset if I went to anyone else to get it done... now I have taken him litterally about this and I dont know if its true or not, and he said nice things to me, which is how some asperger autistic people get into trouble because we can fixate on people who we feel treat us nice or show us any attention. We dont always understand that people do it to get what they want from us, or because its part of their job, we are not good at connecting to people so sometimes we see a connection that isnt there, which is bad when we are not good at social boundries.

Now you may ask how can you go to a tattooist if you have these issues ... I can go places if I am with someone I trust completely and who I know can handle me when things start to get too much for me... that person is normally my husband but I also trust my neices and nephews... I also enjoy tattoos because they are a passion of mine and I think they look pretty and mine all have meanings to me and while yes certain parts of your body can hurt more than others when getting a tattoo, I know that after the pains I will have a beautiful work of art that means something special to me.

I am always honest and tell the truth as I know it and sometimes that means I am a little too honest and open with people about things, especially about myself.

There are so many other little things that when added to the rest of my traits show that I am different to other people, even thoughs who may not consider themselves NT, or who see that I think a lot like they do. :)

Its really not my thoughts that make me different its how my brain is wired and how I process things, not how I think about things.

I normally wear baggy clothes because I do not like the feel of tight things, I also dont really like dresses or skirts and I dont really like to wear shoes. I prefer mens shirts, although the neck sometimes feels too clinging for me because many mens shirts the collar sits up high rather than lower.

I dont normally wear makeup and I dont like having my hair done, even as a child the minute I got to school I would take my ponytails or plaits out, I dont wear perfume often or underarm sprays... my bodywash and my shampoo and conditioner smell nice enough that I dont think I need the other smells as well.

I sometimes look younger than I am and I know that more often than not I act younger than I am. I love cartoons and my husband says I'm like a little kid when I watch them. I seem to get along better with younger people than I do with people my age or older.

I enjoy reading because it takes me into worlds where I feel more connected and am understood and can understand things so much better.

I have a timetable in my head and when things dont go on schedule I get flustered and stressed... Yet I have a hard time getting to places on time... mainly visits with the in-laws ... that isnt intentional.
I am just happiest at home or in other controlled environment, where I feel safe and feel I can be myself without judgement.

I can sit for 24 hours playing a computer game if I am interested in and not care what is happening around me, I may not eat unless I my tummy is actually hurting from lack of food and I may not even drink anything either... I have sat on waja's for 12 hours at times, although I may sometimes be logged out when it seems like I havent been active because I am just looking at my waja's trying to work out names or mates for them.

Luckily we pay our bills and buy our food within 24 hours of getting my husbands pay... I dont get any money from anyone or any government or anything, my husbands wage is the only money supporting the 2 of us, so we dont have much money after that but if we didnt do that then I would actually spend all our money on paying for game, such as Farmville2, Waja's, Miscrits and any other online games that I like.

:)


So as you can see its not exactly what I think that makes me different, going by that alone I would probably easily pass for someone who is neuro-typical, as I said its how I process other things such as the need for communication or the need for human connections.

:)

Now just to be clear for me someone who is neuro-typical (NT) - is someone who can deal with being around people, going shopping, talking on the phone, has friends they see every day or even just on weekends, can deal with stress without having a meltdown or going mute... Someone who can basically deal with everyday life like billions of other people do...

I Wonder ....

Sometimes I wonder what its like for family members when they are told someone they have known for ages is actually autistic.

Does it confuse them because they considered that person "normal" or maybe just a little weird or a little eccentric, or a little different...

I wonder this because I have told one of my sisters that I have been diagnosed with Aspergers Autism, I emailed her, but heard nothing back from her, so then I sat down and wrote her a letter telling her... its been at least 2 months since then and again I have not heard from her....

This confuses me because I do not know what she is thinking and I believe it would only be the polite or correct thing to at least acknowledge that she had received the letter... even if the subject is something that she does not wish to discuss.

Does she not believe me ?

Does she no longer want anything to do with me ?

Does she not know what to say ?

Is she confused as to how to interact with me now ?

Is she mad at me ?


........ ? ? ? ....... I am confused .....



I know that it could be hard to accept that someone you have known all your life... in her case 38 years ... is now saying they are autistic...

Of course really how well does any of my family know me ?

My mother knew me for nearly 21 years ....

But my sisters lived with me for only at the most 14 - 15 years and at the least 9 to 11 years..... and some of that was during the early years when you don't remember much or really care about how someone acts or when you are going through your own stuff.

So really other than my Mother the only other person who has lived with me the longest and knows me better than anyone is David .... my husband of nearly 17 years ....

But family is meant to have a connection ... so why did no one ever consider that I may have has issues ? Is it because they didnt live with me long enough ? or because they were teenages when I was growing up and when they started their own lives? ... Is it because we dont contact each other very much ? Is it because they thought of me as just a little strange... ?

I do wonder what it would be like to have a close knit family and have those close connections to family and friends...