Empathy - n. The power of identifying oneself mentally with (and so fully comprehending) a person or object of contemplation.
Empathise - v. Excercise empathy (I can empathise with you)
Many people believe that people with Aspergers are not able to feel empathy, this isnt really true... there may of course be aspies out there who can not empathise at all, but it seems most of us can. We just do not empathise in the same way as NT people do so it seems to them that we have no empathy.
But it is now being found that Aspies in fact may have too much empathy which overloads us and makes us look like we do not empathise with anyone.
I know that when my mother died, it was 2 months exactly before my 21st birthday and just 11 months after I lost my unborn baby daughter.
My father and one of my sisters ended up making an appointment with a councellor for me as they had not seen me cry or show any emotion for the loss of my mother, so they felt that there was something wrong with me.
Yet I was grieving in my own way and talking about it with a complete stranger (who ended up telling me I was fine and that I was rather extrodinary in my thinking) was not going to change the fact that I had lost my mother, the only person who was not only my mother but my best friend, my comfort, my support... the only person who ever really showed me any love, trust, respect and accepted me for me no matter what I said or did or didnt do... even after 19 years of not having her in my life I still miss her and wish that she was here or that I could have one last day with her to tell her how much I love her and how special she is to me.
For the first 4 to 6 years that she was gone I brought her birthday cards and mothers day cards and filled them out with things I wanted to say to her, I stopped after a while as I realised I was going to get a very large collection of cards if I kept going.
So I may not have cried and screamed and carried on when everyone could see me but it doesnt mean I didnt cry in private at times when I missed her more than normal. It also doesnt mean that I didnt do other things to express my pain.
Recently my Mother-in-Law of nearly 17 years was diagnosed with a health issue that can be life threatening... I've known this lady for nearly as long as I knew my own mother and she is the closest thing to a mother I have had since I lost my mum as I met her only a year after I lost mum, and if you consider that for the first few years of my life I dont really remember my mum then really I probably have known my mother-in-law for as long as I knew my mum.
My Mother-in-laws diagnosis has really effected me, yet it may not seem that way because I dont express it the way NT people would... I have not started to support that cause more than I used to, I have not expressed in words or deeds how much this has effected me...
What I have done is rub and scratch a spot on my head close to my fringe so much that I have actually broken the hairs in that area and now have a patch of hair that is nearly as short as my scalp... it doesnt seem to be hugely noticeable and hopefully I can stop doing it now that I am completely aware that I have been doing it.
I've also gotten emotionally upset over other issues and the loss of pet rats more than I normally would and I will be fine one minute but the next I will be overwhelmed by emotions... so yes I may not show emotion / stress / empathy in the way you would expect a person to, but if you look really close and then look closer still you can see that I am upset and have been effected by this situation.
I would also like to add that while online I do ((hug)) a lot when I think it is needed, in person I am not a hugger, if you ask for a hug or just hug me and I feel comfortable with you then I will hug you but probably not for long... and this along with my dislike of handshaking can also make me see less emotional than I am.
But when it comes to people I am really close to, like my husband I enjoy hugs and often ask for a hug... except if I have had a mini meltdown, large meltdown or am just really emotional, then I dont like to be touched at all until I have calmed down a bit as being hugged when in that state is really uncomfortable for me.... so where NT people want to be hugged when they are emotional and upset, I am the opposite because of my Aspergers, and I think that is also what lead people to assume that Aspies had no emotion or empathy.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Friends
For me friendship is one of the hardest things ever.
If I consider you a friend then you will be my friend forever. But I dont do NT friend things, so I am not a typical friend I guess.
I dont keep in contact with people; basically because I dont really have much to say and I am not good at initiating conversations. I also dont like talking on phones so that makes it hard to keep a friendship going.
I'm not into shopping trips or having a coffee at a cafe...
I'd like to have friends that I could do those things with ...except the shopping bit ... but its hard to find friends who understand and it would be hard to organise ...
When I was younger I could only go to night clubs if I was already under the influence of alcohol because it was the only way I could deal with the stress of so many people.
The funny thing is that I dont really like to drink alcohol much.
When I was at school I never really had friends either. I liked a number of people at school, but I have no idea if any of them ever considered me a friend or just a class mate.
Most of my primary school days I spent alone up the back of the oval or somewhere away from the other kids where I could see them but was alone.
With high school I did one and a half years there and then left, so because I didnt finish all of the second year I can basically only say I have only gone as far as grade 8, and that I only have one year of high school learning. Which I sometimes find amusing because I know more about certain things than a lot of people who completed high school. ... I suck at Maths though...
I've never really had a best friend, until I met and married my husband and he is and always will be my best friend, even if we were to separate for any reason he would still be my best friend forever.
I've tried to have friends but it only seems to work for a little while. So obviously I am doing something wrong and that I feel is that I am not capable of being the type of friend that most people are used to.
I honestly dont know if any of the people I know in my life consider me a friend or just an aquaintence ? Are there different types of friendship that I dont know about, because I only know of Best Friends, Friends and Platonic Friends.. anything else is just an aquaintence right?
If people dont invite you to a party is that because they know you are not good around strangers and they dont want to put you on the spot of saying no or is it that they dont consider you a friend enough to invite you?
Growing up I only remember having 2 birthday parties, I think one was for my 10th and one for my 12th and both times the children who came were people from school, most of them had parents who knew my parents.
The only sleep over I ever had as a child was when my sister Cheryl was invited to a sleep over at her friends place and I was invited to go as well for some reason, I think there was only the 3 of us or maybe there was another girl as well, but it wasnt a problem for me as I can handle small groups better than I can handle large groups.
But here now at home, I have no one coming to visit me... I can not remember the last time I had anyone here for a visit, probably early 2011, so about 9 or 10 months ago.... and now I am at a stage where I dont really feel comfortable having anyone visit... probably because I've been alone so long.
I dont even get people texting me though... my mobile is rather quiet and is more used as a reminder for tv shows and thats about it.
I think most NT people dont realise just how lonely it can be for people with things like autism, especially when the autistic person is already a very quiet introverted type of person.
I add that about introverted because I have talked with some Autistic people who are extraverted and have no problem talking to anyone and no problem being part of things.
For me life is very lonely... I may not like to have very much contact with people but there are times when it would be nice to have people texting me and coming to visit (after giving me at least a few hours notice so I could prepare myself mentally for visitors)
:)
Just on a slightly different point ... I want to be a mother and I had someone ask me once how I would manage with a baby, because of having to go to doctors with the baby and so on... but for me a baby would in a way be helpful, because I would always be putting the baby ahead of myself and having the baby to think about rather than the people around me, would mean that I would be able to do so much more than I do now because my focus would be on the baby. I know because it was that way when I was 15 and would be out with my baby niece, I was always more fixated on her than on any issues I had.
Also when I was pregnant at 19, I was more fixated on the baby I was carrying than on anything else, but my pregnancy was ectopic and around 3 months into the pregnancy my fallopian tube burst and I lost my baby and have been infertile since then.
If I consider you a friend then you will be my friend forever. But I dont do NT friend things, so I am not a typical friend I guess.
I dont keep in contact with people; basically because I dont really have much to say and I am not good at initiating conversations. I also dont like talking on phones so that makes it hard to keep a friendship going.
I'm not into shopping trips or having a coffee at a cafe...
I'd like to have friends that I could do those things with ...except the shopping bit ... but its hard to find friends who understand and it would be hard to organise ...
When I was younger I could only go to night clubs if I was already under the influence of alcohol because it was the only way I could deal with the stress of so many people.
The funny thing is that I dont really like to drink alcohol much.
When I was at school I never really had friends either. I liked a number of people at school, but I have no idea if any of them ever considered me a friend or just a class mate.
Most of my primary school days I spent alone up the back of the oval or somewhere away from the other kids where I could see them but was alone.
With high school I did one and a half years there and then left, so because I didnt finish all of the second year I can basically only say I have only gone as far as grade 8, and that I only have one year of high school learning. Which I sometimes find amusing because I know more about certain things than a lot of people who completed high school. ... I suck at Maths though...
I've never really had a best friend, until I met and married my husband and he is and always will be my best friend, even if we were to separate for any reason he would still be my best friend forever.
I've tried to have friends but it only seems to work for a little while. So obviously I am doing something wrong and that I feel is that I am not capable of being the type of friend that most people are used to.
I honestly dont know if any of the people I know in my life consider me a friend or just an aquaintence ? Are there different types of friendship that I dont know about, because I only know of Best Friends, Friends and Platonic Friends.. anything else is just an aquaintence right?
If people dont invite you to a party is that because they know you are not good around strangers and they dont want to put you on the spot of saying no or is it that they dont consider you a friend enough to invite you?
Growing up I only remember having 2 birthday parties, I think one was for my 10th and one for my 12th and both times the children who came were people from school, most of them had parents who knew my parents.
The only sleep over I ever had as a child was when my sister Cheryl was invited to a sleep over at her friends place and I was invited to go as well for some reason, I think there was only the 3 of us or maybe there was another girl as well, but it wasnt a problem for me as I can handle small groups better than I can handle large groups.
But here now at home, I have no one coming to visit me... I can not remember the last time I had anyone here for a visit, probably early 2011, so about 9 or 10 months ago.... and now I am at a stage where I dont really feel comfortable having anyone visit... probably because I've been alone so long.
I dont even get people texting me though... my mobile is rather quiet and is more used as a reminder for tv shows and thats about it.
I think most NT people dont realise just how lonely it can be for people with things like autism, especially when the autistic person is already a very quiet introverted type of person.
I add that about introverted because I have talked with some Autistic people who are extraverted and have no problem talking to anyone and no problem being part of things.
For me life is very lonely... I may not like to have very much contact with people but there are times when it would be nice to have people texting me and coming to visit (after giving me at least a few hours notice so I could prepare myself mentally for visitors)
:)
Just on a slightly different point ... I want to be a mother and I had someone ask me once how I would manage with a baby, because of having to go to doctors with the baby and so on... but for me a baby would in a way be helpful, because I would always be putting the baby ahead of myself and having the baby to think about rather than the people around me, would mean that I would be able to do so much more than I do now because my focus would be on the baby. I know because it was that way when I was 15 and would be out with my baby niece, I was always more fixated on her than on any issues I had.
Also when I was pregnant at 19, I was more fixated on the baby I was carrying than on anything else, but my pregnancy was ectopic and around 3 months into the pregnancy my fallopian tube burst and I lost my baby and have been infertile since then.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Can You Take A Joke ?
Last year someone in my family told me that I couldnt be Autistic / have Aspergers, because I could understand jokes.
Just because a characteristic is said to be something, it doesnt make it so, we are not lumps of steel that are rigid and unchangeable. We are flesh and bone, we have brain cells that can learn and remember.
My sense of humor may be different to yours, but I do have one, I can take a joke, I can even understand a number of jokes. Sure I may not get all the jokes or it may take me a few minutes to run through and analyse what was said before I get it.
Dont assume that because you know someone with autism/aspergers or you know about it from what you have read, that you know me.
Yes there may be a set of characteristics that describe us but it doesnt mean we are all the same.
Would you like me to say that because you are NT (neuro-typical) you must be loud and obnoxious... Those are traits of some NT people ... but you are not all the same, so I treat you as an individual and learn what characteristics you have instead of judging you on characteristics that others have. So please do the same for me.
On the same line of thought, Autistic / Asperger people are meant to also not understand sarcasm, again this is not completely true, as with jokes, I sometimes can tell when someone is being sarcastic... not very often but on the odd occassion it does happen.
I'm currently learning sarcasm and I practise, but it doesnt come easy, sometimes I have to say to David "I was being sarcastic, could you tell?" He normally says yes, so I must be getting the hang of it.
Of course we may have been together so long that we get each other when others wouldnt, in which case I may not be doing as well in sarcasm as I believe.
:)
The above is something I saw and found funny, maybe because I can actually trip over a level floor .....
Just because a characteristic is said to be something, it doesnt make it so, we are not lumps of steel that are rigid and unchangeable. We are flesh and bone, we have brain cells that can learn and remember.
My sense of humor may be different to yours, but I do have one, I can take a joke, I can even understand a number of jokes. Sure I may not get all the jokes or it may take me a few minutes to run through and analyse what was said before I get it.
Dont assume that because you know someone with autism/aspergers or you know about it from what you have read, that you know me.
Yes there may be a set of characteristics that describe us but it doesnt mean we are all the same.
Would you like me to say that because you are NT (neuro-typical) you must be loud and obnoxious... Those are traits of some NT people ... but you are not all the same, so I treat you as an individual and learn what characteristics you have instead of judging you on characteristics that others have. So please do the same for me.
On the same line of thought, Autistic / Asperger people are meant to also not understand sarcasm, again this is not completely true, as with jokes, I sometimes can tell when someone is being sarcastic... not very often but on the odd occassion it does happen.
I'm currently learning sarcasm and I practise, but it doesnt come easy, sometimes I have to say to David "I was being sarcastic, could you tell?" He normally says yes, so I must be getting the hang of it.
Of course we may have been together so long that we get each other when others wouldnt, in which case I may not be doing as well in sarcasm as I believe.
:)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
As unique as a Snowflake ...
I find it amazing that people asume all people with autism or aspergers must be alike to be classed as autistic.
Yet like snowflakes we look alike but are all unique.
Yes there are a set of symptoms / characteristics associated with autism/aspergers, but they doesnt mean we all need to have the same characteristics or have the same level of characteristic.
Some of us are completely unable to look people in the eye's while others can for short periods and some of us can look people in the eyes for so long that it it too long.
We may have autism but we are not stupid, we learn from those around us and from our own experiences, so if we are told that people prefer it when you give them eye contact then some of us adapt to be able to do it.
It of course does not mean that we are comfortable doing it but it means we want to fit in and be accepted as "normal" and not thought of as weird or eccentric.
So we are unique in so many ways, even while being similar.
I am still surprised when I read someone saying something that hits home with me, because for so long I thought I there was something wrong with me, that I was broken, crazy, eccentric, weird and just different, but now I see so many other people out there who think, feel and respond the same way as I do, and I no longer feel different, I feel part of something.... something that proves I am not crazy, broken or anything else... I finally fit in somewhere.
But while I see myself in so many others, I am still unique in so many ways, just like how a snowflake looks like all the other snowflakes yet is totally unique in its own right.
Yet like snowflakes we look alike but are all unique.
Yes there are a set of symptoms / characteristics associated with autism/aspergers, but they doesnt mean we all need to have the same characteristics or have the same level of characteristic.
Some of us are completely unable to look people in the eye's while others can for short periods and some of us can look people in the eyes for so long that it it too long.
We may have autism but we are not stupid, we learn from those around us and from our own experiences, so if we are told that people prefer it when you give them eye contact then some of us adapt to be able to do it.
It of course does not mean that we are comfortable doing it but it means we want to fit in and be accepted as "normal" and not thought of as weird or eccentric.
So we are unique in so many ways, even while being similar.
I am still surprised when I read someone saying something that hits home with me, because for so long I thought I there was something wrong with me, that I was broken, crazy, eccentric, weird and just different, but now I see so many other people out there who think, feel and respond the same way as I do, and I no longer feel different, I feel part of something.... something that proves I am not crazy, broken or anything else... I finally fit in somewhere.
But while I see myself in so many others, I am still unique in so many ways, just like how a snowflake looks like all the other snowflakes yet is totally unique in its own right.
Family Support
I dont have much in personal support/understanding from my family, some of them try, but I think having gone nearly 40 years being considered just a little eccentric but "normal" and hiding my true self so that I would be accepted as "normal", then makes it hard for people to adjust to the fact that I do have issues.
I had a major meltdown before christmas and instead of getting understanding and help I was made to feel at fault and so lonely that death was somthing I thought about a great deal.
All because I tried to be funny and make a family member feel better... my fault was using a saying I had seen someone else mention in a post before and it was taken by my family member as funny, so I assumed that I could use the saying and it would be taken the same way... big mistake on my part obviously, as my family member took offence, at which point I got upset at that offence, but my family member went so far as to remove me from the friends list.
We were both in the wrong but this action hurt me so much as to me it was like saying I was no longer family and that is what caused my major meltdown, as I find it hard enough to connect to people as it is, so to have one of my family members who I was only just starting to feel a connection with drop me like that was so hurtful to me.
I take so much literally so when I see something is considered funny by others, I asume that it is always considered funny. When you unfriend me on Facebook I take that literally also as you no longer want me in your life becaue you no longer care about me or consider me a friend / family member.
I ran away from home and spent the night in the car, I just needed to be alone to think and to calm down as I didnt feel safe in my own home anymore, this of course then made other family members upset at me.
Of course I went into my "protect those I care about" mode and made them feel better about the situation, all the while being made to feel worse by them, like it was all my fault.
This was from family who had experience with autism, but it made me realise that yes they have experience but its with a different form of autism, so they really dont know anything about autism, like mine.
Its like when people come to me to vent their problems, but no one realises that all that venting affects me so much, because I absorb it and I worry about it, when it affects the people I care about... But I do not understand people's need to vent to me about people I do not know or do not have a connection to. If I was an NT I'm sure I would understand that and get it and even be interested in hearing about these strangers, but I am an aspie and I dont get it.
I think in my life I get denial of my autism because people have seen me as like them for so long... but denial is not helpful to me. I don't need anyone to "do" anything for me and I don't want to be treated as broken or retarded either. But to be understood is AMAZING and I do not think I am over stating that.
There isn't much I can do to change the aspie tendencies I have, but to find acceptance and understanding, to know that those I care about realise that I'm not broken, not crazy, just slightly different to what they beleived, makes me feel so much stronger in myself belief.
Of course some people simply don't accept it, maybe because I don't sit and rock in a corner or maybe because I can carry on an intelligent conversation, or I am not like the person with Autism/Aspergers that they know, so then I'm obviously "normal".
But maybe the acceptance that I am different, that I may be lonely, isolated and at times suffering, means that they would have to take some responsibility for turning a blind eye to the fact that they allowed me to be so alone all my life.
Not noticing and not doing anything to try and fix that, meant I spent my whole life alone, hiding in my room or playing alone my whole childhood and hiding the way I thought and felt my whole adult life and never once did anyone ever bothered to ask why or to try and help.
Would they have been able to have helped, probably not, but in trying at least I would have been noticed and could now be accepted as having autism.
Just like someone, with the type of autism that most people think of when they hear that word, is locked in their own world, I am also locked in my own world, but my world gives me the ability to interact with people in a way that can hide my autism.
Imagine being in a bubble made of cling wrap that cant be broken... you can see and hear everyone around you, you can be a part of the world, but not completely... no one else can see the bubble but you can see it and feel it and it stops you from completely being part of and understanding everything that others do.
Thats the best way for me to explain what having aspergers is like for me, maybe if you can put yourself in that bubble you will understand much better.
Now in the words of a Linkin Park song...
"Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none"
Those words hit home with me, as I feel like I have to apologize for things I say because they are taken wrong, and trying to be "normal" is harder than it seems when you dont fit the idea of "normal" so you sometimes get caught in between trying to be "normal" and being yourself... and I feel like I am alone that I dont even have a single friend in the world.
So yes I do come across as depressed at times, maybe even a lot, but unless you are me or can truely understand what its like, please dont judge me in a negative way.
I had a major meltdown before christmas and instead of getting understanding and help I was made to feel at fault and so lonely that death was somthing I thought about a great deal.
All because I tried to be funny and make a family member feel better... my fault was using a saying I had seen someone else mention in a post before and it was taken by my family member as funny, so I assumed that I could use the saying and it would be taken the same way... big mistake on my part obviously, as my family member took offence, at which point I got upset at that offence, but my family member went so far as to remove me from the friends list.
We were both in the wrong but this action hurt me so much as to me it was like saying I was no longer family and that is what caused my major meltdown, as I find it hard enough to connect to people as it is, so to have one of my family members who I was only just starting to feel a connection with drop me like that was so hurtful to me.
I take so much literally so when I see something is considered funny by others, I asume that it is always considered funny. When you unfriend me on Facebook I take that literally also as you no longer want me in your life becaue you no longer care about me or consider me a friend / family member.
I ran away from home and spent the night in the car, I just needed to be alone to think and to calm down as I didnt feel safe in my own home anymore, this of course then made other family members upset at me.
Of course I went into my "protect those I care about" mode and made them feel better about the situation, all the while being made to feel worse by them, like it was all my fault.
This was from family who had experience with autism, but it made me realise that yes they have experience but its with a different form of autism, so they really dont know anything about autism, like mine.
Its like when people come to me to vent their problems, but no one realises that all that venting affects me so much, because I absorb it and I worry about it, when it affects the people I care about... But I do not understand people's need to vent to me about people I do not know or do not have a connection to. If I was an NT I'm sure I would understand that and get it and even be interested in hearing about these strangers, but I am an aspie and I dont get it.
I think in my life I get denial of my autism because people have seen me as like them for so long... but denial is not helpful to me. I don't need anyone to "do" anything for me and I don't want to be treated as broken or retarded either. But to be understood is AMAZING and I do not think I am over stating that.
There isn't much I can do to change the aspie tendencies I have, but to find acceptance and understanding, to know that those I care about realise that I'm not broken, not crazy, just slightly different to what they beleived, makes me feel so much stronger in myself belief.
Of course some people simply don't accept it, maybe because I don't sit and rock in a corner or maybe because I can carry on an intelligent conversation, or I am not like the person with Autism/Aspergers that they know, so then I'm obviously "normal".
But maybe the acceptance that I am different, that I may be lonely, isolated and at times suffering, means that they would have to take some responsibility for turning a blind eye to the fact that they allowed me to be so alone all my life.
Not noticing and not doing anything to try and fix that, meant I spent my whole life alone, hiding in my room or playing alone my whole childhood and hiding the way I thought and felt my whole adult life and never once did anyone ever bothered to ask why or to try and help.
Would they have been able to have helped, probably not, but in trying at least I would have been noticed and could now be accepted as having autism.
Just like someone, with the type of autism that most people think of when they hear that word, is locked in their own world, I am also locked in my own world, but my world gives me the ability to interact with people in a way that can hide my autism.
Imagine being in a bubble made of cling wrap that cant be broken... you can see and hear everyone around you, you can be a part of the world, but not completely... no one else can see the bubble but you can see it and feel it and it stops you from completely being part of and understanding everything that others do.
Thats the best way for me to explain what having aspergers is like for me, maybe if you can put yourself in that bubble you will understand much better.
Now in the words of a Linkin Park song...
"Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none
The only thing that's worse than one is none"
Those words hit home with me, as I feel like I have to apologize for things I say because they are taken wrong, and trying to be "normal" is harder than it seems when you dont fit the idea of "normal" so you sometimes get caught in between trying to be "normal" and being yourself... and I feel like I am alone that I dont even have a single friend in the world.
So yes I do come across as depressed at times, maybe even a lot, but unless you are me or can truely understand what its like, please dont judge me in a negative way.
Friday, February 10, 2012
My Husband ...
My husband is a wonderful man, just by the fact that he loves me so much even though I have issues.
Of course he has his faults, we all do and after 18 years together I have found a number of the things he does that drives me crazy.
Some of those things though are exasperated by my aspergers.
But my husband is a saint to put up with me.
I think the hardest thing is the fact that change upsets me, esspecially sudden change.... If I know he is working certain times but that changes suddenly and he has to work longer, that upsets me.
I need time to adjust to changes, sudden changes can cause me to become mute and upset.
At times I can be child like, as in I know that I should be calling a duck a duck but for me its a duckie, same with horsey and doggy and Kitty. I can also get upset like a child at small things, and like a child I sometimes need someone to make sure I drink and eat as I tend to forget.
I dont want to be this way, no woman who is around 40 wants to be so child like, but its who I am and if I controlled it all the time I would always be slightly stressed because I wouldnt be me. Luckily I am not this way 24/7 and am a grown up most of the time.
I would give anything not to have Aspergers because it is isolating and stressful, lonely and sometimes confussing. But Aspergers is not a disease that needs to be cured, its a condition you are born with, which makes it part of you.
David is special in the fact that he accepts me the way I am no matter what and loves me for me... to be honest its hard to find anyone who can accept you that completely...
Most people expect an equal give and take in any type of relationship, whether that is a friendship or more, but for most people like me with Aspergers, we can not give you an equal give and take relationship, because while we want friends we are not good at doing the things a friendship requires, such as conversation ... many of us have aversions to phones and wont talk on the phone ... I'll only talk on the phone with my husband and my neice and my 2 sisters, but even with them I dont always have much to add to the conversation.
Many women with Aspergers are not interested in going shopping and going for a coffee is hard because we dont do well around a lot of people.
So being our friend is hard and you will probably give more of yourself than we seem to, but we will be your friend forever if you are our friend and we wont gossip about you or back stab you and if you need us and we can be there for you we will.
Finding a partner can be harder than finding a friend because we have so many issues that NT partners find it hard to be with us long term.
So I am lucky that I have been with my husband for 18 years now and the fact he still loves me and is there for me proves that he is special in so many way.
:)
Of course he has his faults, we all do and after 18 years together I have found a number of the things he does that drives me crazy.
Some of those things though are exasperated by my aspergers.
But my husband is a saint to put up with me.
I think the hardest thing is the fact that change upsets me, esspecially sudden change.... If I know he is working certain times but that changes suddenly and he has to work longer, that upsets me.
I need time to adjust to changes, sudden changes can cause me to become mute and upset.
At times I can be child like, as in I know that I should be calling a duck a duck but for me its a duckie, same with horsey and doggy and Kitty. I can also get upset like a child at small things, and like a child I sometimes need someone to make sure I drink and eat as I tend to forget.
I dont want to be this way, no woman who is around 40 wants to be so child like, but its who I am and if I controlled it all the time I would always be slightly stressed because I wouldnt be me. Luckily I am not this way 24/7 and am a grown up most of the time.
I would give anything not to have Aspergers because it is isolating and stressful, lonely and sometimes confussing. But Aspergers is not a disease that needs to be cured, its a condition you are born with, which makes it part of you.
David is special in the fact that he accepts me the way I am no matter what and loves me for me... to be honest its hard to find anyone who can accept you that completely...
Most people expect an equal give and take in any type of relationship, whether that is a friendship or more, but for most people like me with Aspergers, we can not give you an equal give and take relationship, because while we want friends we are not good at doing the things a friendship requires, such as conversation ... many of us have aversions to phones and wont talk on the phone ... I'll only talk on the phone with my husband and my neice and my 2 sisters, but even with them I dont always have much to add to the conversation.
Many women with Aspergers are not interested in going shopping and going for a coffee is hard because we dont do well around a lot of people.
So being our friend is hard and you will probably give more of yourself than we seem to, but we will be your friend forever if you are our friend and we wont gossip about you or back stab you and if you need us and we can be there for you we will.
Finding a partner can be harder than finding a friend because we have so many issues that NT partners find it hard to be with us long term.
So I am lucky that I have been with my husband for 18 years now and the fact he still loves me and is there for me proves that he is special in so many way.
:)
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